The Haunting Unknown

This past week has been a very challenging one. It is extremely difficult to stay positive and not let life get overwhelming.

Remi has known me so long and he knows me so well, and there is this thing he has discovered.

Its the rule of three.
In short, if there are more than two things going on at one time, I get extremely grumpy extraordinarily fast. For example: If I am hungry, and tired, AND cold.. I am a monster. If I am only tired and hungry though, I am tolerable. If I am tired and Upset, I get over it quickly, but if I have a headache.... it is better to just wait it out.

These last 2 months, I was tired and uncomfortable most days, so if anything else was going on, I was lazy and grumpy. And my office leader was a real challenge for me. I felt like I had the world against me. And because I was working, I didn't get to take naps, and that was sad. On days I napped, I felt so much better. Remi put up with a lot these past two months. Most days, I would wake up late, rush to work, come home for lunch exhausted, go back to work, come home from work, and one of two things would happen: I would get something done, whether it be make dinner, put away laundry, start laundry, unload the dishwasher, etc. and then sit down on the couch and lay there until bed time. or I would come home, take off my shoes, and lay down on the couch and watch Netflix or a Movie. At which point I would 100% fall asleep on the couch until Remi woke me up to go to bed. This is literally sums up 95% of my weekdays. I was a tired girl. ALL the time.

This week, I have been tired for different reasons. I am severely anemic right now and that is making my life challenging. I have to move a lot slower, take my time getting up, catch my breath after going up stairs, and sit down often, all of which are very foreign to me. I am a go go go person and I hate feeling lazy. I feel worthless when I don't feel well because I am not getting things done that I would normally do. So anemia. Yay. Hopefully the Iron supplements and chlorphyll suplements will help. And also red meat as often as I can... which is like twice a week haha. Im not huge on red meat.
 
On top of the anemia, I am really sad. Most days, I cry at least twice. Grieving is hard. And exhausting. But it has to be done. I wish it was easy to explain the emptiness that I feel. I miss so much about being pregnant. And everything reminds me of it. Almost anything can set me off, and that is hard. I don't always know how to explain it to Remi, and I don't know if it can be explained. I want so badly to be able to explain why wearing anything but yoga pants and t-shirts makes me almost depressed because my body was changing, and my clothes all started fitting different, and now its back to where I was pre-pregnancy. That makes me sad. There is a very real void in me right now that I am struggling to know what to do with. What can fill the space that was my whole future changing for this little person I thought we were bringing in to the world? Not much at this point. I felt that I was finally being given the opportunity to fulfill my calling in this world, to be a mother. My purpose felt so clear. And now, that is being delayed because we have much to recover from emotionally, mentally, and physically.

I can't speak for my husband, but I do know that this has been crushing to him. I can't even imagine the images that he sees when he closes his eyes, and relives me passing out over and over again. The future feels very daunting and shaky. And it is very easy to feel the pressure of "what if". What if this happened because of something I did. What if this happens again? What if it's my fault? What if we can't have kids? What if... What if... What if...
It is never ending.
And most of them are probably unrealistic and improbable.
But they are still very real thoughts and right now feel validated.
There is something terrifying about the unknown.

Right now it takes all my energy and courage to stay positive. But I have to let myself be sad and grieve the loss of what might have been, and what will not be.

I find comfort in knowing that my Heavenly Father has a plan for me, and that he will not give me more than I can handle with Him. I know that I cannot do this alone. And I know that He has blessed me with a husband who knows and loves me and wants a future with me, even if it is a hard one. I can do hard things because I have my Savior buoying me up when I can't stay afloat.



Writing is my way of sorting through my thoughts and feelings and I feel like I always end up on the Savior because once I have gotten all of my concerns and fears and thoughts out, it becomes so clear which way I need to turn, and that way is always to Him. I cannot imagine going through this life without the knowledge I have of a Savior who made it possible to progress, and a Loving Father in Heaven who strengthens me with His love when all seems dark.

Even though the unknown is terrifying right now, I accept that. I am not going to try and change it or change the way I feel. Instead, I just am going to give it time. Time to adjust to the loss. Time to grieve. Time to heal.