The Haunting Unknown

This past week has been a very challenging one. It is extremely difficult to stay positive and not let life get overwhelming.

Remi has known me so long and he knows me so well, and there is this thing he has discovered.

Its the rule of three.
In short, if there are more than two things going on at one time, I get extremely grumpy extraordinarily fast. For example: If I am hungry, and tired, AND cold.. I am a monster. If I am only tired and hungry though, I am tolerable. If I am tired and Upset, I get over it quickly, but if I have a headache.... it is better to just wait it out.

These last 2 months, I was tired and uncomfortable most days, so if anything else was going on, I was lazy and grumpy. And my office leader was a real challenge for me. I felt like I had the world against me. And because I was working, I didn't get to take naps, and that was sad. On days I napped, I felt so much better. Remi put up with a lot these past two months. Most days, I would wake up late, rush to work, come home for lunch exhausted, go back to work, come home from work, and one of two things would happen: I would get something done, whether it be make dinner, put away laundry, start laundry, unload the dishwasher, etc. and then sit down on the couch and lay there until bed time. or I would come home, take off my shoes, and lay down on the couch and watch Netflix or a Movie. At which point I would 100% fall asleep on the couch until Remi woke me up to go to bed. This is literally sums up 95% of my weekdays. I was a tired girl. ALL the time.

This week, I have been tired for different reasons. I am severely anemic right now and that is making my life challenging. I have to move a lot slower, take my time getting up, catch my breath after going up stairs, and sit down often, all of which are very foreign to me. I am a go go go person and I hate feeling lazy. I feel worthless when I don't feel well because I am not getting things done that I would normally do. So anemia. Yay. Hopefully the Iron supplements and chlorphyll suplements will help. And also red meat as often as I can... which is like twice a week haha. Im not huge on red meat.
 
On top of the anemia, I am really sad. Most days, I cry at least twice. Grieving is hard. And exhausting. But it has to be done. I wish it was easy to explain the emptiness that I feel. I miss so much about being pregnant. And everything reminds me of it. Almost anything can set me off, and that is hard. I don't always know how to explain it to Remi, and I don't know if it can be explained. I want so badly to be able to explain why wearing anything but yoga pants and t-shirts makes me almost depressed because my body was changing, and my clothes all started fitting different, and now its back to where I was pre-pregnancy. That makes me sad. There is a very real void in me right now that I am struggling to know what to do with. What can fill the space that was my whole future changing for this little person I thought we were bringing in to the world? Not much at this point. I felt that I was finally being given the opportunity to fulfill my calling in this world, to be a mother. My purpose felt so clear. And now, that is being delayed because we have much to recover from emotionally, mentally, and physically.

I can't speak for my husband, but I do know that this has been crushing to him. I can't even imagine the images that he sees when he closes his eyes, and relives me passing out over and over again. The future feels very daunting and shaky. And it is very easy to feel the pressure of "what if". What if this happened because of something I did. What if this happens again? What if it's my fault? What if we can't have kids? What if... What if... What if...
It is never ending.
And most of them are probably unrealistic and improbable.
But they are still very real thoughts and right now feel validated.
There is something terrifying about the unknown.

Right now it takes all my energy and courage to stay positive. But I have to let myself be sad and grieve the loss of what might have been, and what will not be.

I find comfort in knowing that my Heavenly Father has a plan for me, and that he will not give me more than I can handle with Him. I know that I cannot do this alone. And I know that He has blessed me with a husband who knows and loves me and wants a future with me, even if it is a hard one. I can do hard things because I have my Savior buoying me up when I can't stay afloat.



Writing is my way of sorting through my thoughts and feelings and I feel like I always end up on the Savior because once I have gotten all of my concerns and fears and thoughts out, it becomes so clear which way I need to turn, and that way is always to Him. I cannot imagine going through this life without the knowledge I have of a Savior who made it possible to progress, and a Loving Father in Heaven who strengthens me with His love when all seems dark.

Even though the unknown is terrifying right now, I accept that. I am not going to try and change it or change the way I feel. Instead, I just am going to give it time. Time to adjust to the loss. Time to grieve. Time to heal.

Life is full of Hard Things

This weekend has been a very draining one, physically, emotionally, and mentally.
I found out I was pregnant about 8 weeks ago and we were so excited. We knew it may not have been perfect timing, but what a blessing and worth every struggle. Because of insurance, I was waiting until I was 12 weeks to go and see a midwife to get an ultrasound and make sure everything was good. That appointment was set for 2 days from now.

Friday, May 30th, things changed. Remi and I were attending a session at the LDS Dallas Temple. I became very emotional while there and noted some spotting. I tried to not worry too much because I know that can be normal in pregnancy. None the less, I was worried. While in the temple, I felt the love of my Father in Heaven and was blessed with a feeling of peace, that no matter what happens, it will be okay.  Saturday, I woke up to a little more spotting. Still, not enough that I was worried. I tried to take it easy, and rest and things, but life moves on and I did go to the grocery store before resting for the afternoon. I was feeling a little sluggish Saturday night, but slept really well.
Sunday, June 1st, I woke up with Bright Red bleeding and some clots. My lower abdomen felt a little tight but I just figured I would give it a few hours to see what happened. We went to chuch at 11. Around 1130 I was ready to leave. I was very uncomfortable and feeling really worried. The cramping was becoming cyclical and I knew that something was wrong. Remi and his brother gave me a blessing for the sick and afflicted and I was again blessed with peace. We went home a short while later. Around 12:45 I was ready to go to the hospital. I was bleeding way above a normal level and with the cramping it just seemed like the best idea, and it was.
They took my blood and ordered a sonogram. I was in the bathroom about every 15 minutes and passing a lot of blood. We did the sonogram and there was no fetus there. The tech wanted to do an internal ultrasound and I asked to use the bathroom again before they did. In the bathroom, I ended up getting very dizzy and lightheaded and luckily pulled the help cord before passing out. Everything after that was pretty up and down. They got me on an IV and got me to calm down (my hands started tingling and cramping, then my feet and tongue from hyperventilating) eventually. The thing that helped the most was having Remi there. As soon as he held on to my leg and hand I was able to start slowing my breathing. Well after about 20 minutes I needed to pass some more fluid. So they brought in a potty chair and once again, I passed out. This time in Remi's arms though.. After this, I was pretty scared. I was not in good shape. They called in an OBGYN and he got there about 20 minutes later. They did some exams and we decided that the best idea was surgery to finish removing all the tissue and stuff from my uterus that was causing me to bleed so heavy. So 30 minutes later I was wisked away in to surgery and woke up feeling so much better. Dr. Stevens was so gentle and I am doing so much better now.
It is a crushing thing to have a miscarriage. Especially your first pregnancy. It creates a lot angst for the future, because this has been a very hard weekend. I am so grateful for our loving families that have been here for us this weekend and especially grateful for all the prayers on our behalf. This is another one of those situations where you dont really know what the right thing to say is, but right now we just need your prayers, love, and support. We look forward to our future together and will draw upon this experience often, I am sure. I am so grateful for a God who has comforted me and blessed me with peace in such a trying time. I am so grateful that my best friend and loving husband was by my side the whole way to hold my hand, wipe my tears, and assure me that everything would be okay. He has been so amazing through all of this and I am so grateful I have in my life to support and love me every day. Life may be full of hard things, but with God, all things are made right.