The Haunting Unknown

This past week has been a very challenging one. It is extremely difficult to stay positive and not let life get overwhelming.

Remi has known me so long and he knows me so well, and there is this thing he has discovered.

Its the rule of three.
In short, if there are more than two things going on at one time, I get extremely grumpy extraordinarily fast. For example: If I am hungry, and tired, AND cold.. I am a monster. If I am only tired and hungry though, I am tolerable. If I am tired and Upset, I get over it quickly, but if I have a headache.... it is better to just wait it out.

These last 2 months, I was tired and uncomfortable most days, so if anything else was going on, I was lazy and grumpy. And my office leader was a real challenge for me. I felt like I had the world against me. And because I was working, I didn't get to take naps, and that was sad. On days I napped, I felt so much better. Remi put up with a lot these past two months. Most days, I would wake up late, rush to work, come home for lunch exhausted, go back to work, come home from work, and one of two things would happen: I would get something done, whether it be make dinner, put away laundry, start laundry, unload the dishwasher, etc. and then sit down on the couch and lay there until bed time. or I would come home, take off my shoes, and lay down on the couch and watch Netflix or a Movie. At which point I would 100% fall asleep on the couch until Remi woke me up to go to bed. This is literally sums up 95% of my weekdays. I was a tired girl. ALL the time.

This week, I have been tired for different reasons. I am severely anemic right now and that is making my life challenging. I have to move a lot slower, take my time getting up, catch my breath after going up stairs, and sit down often, all of which are very foreign to me. I am a go go go person and I hate feeling lazy. I feel worthless when I don't feel well because I am not getting things done that I would normally do. So anemia. Yay. Hopefully the Iron supplements and chlorphyll suplements will help. And also red meat as often as I can... which is like twice a week haha. Im not huge on red meat.
 
On top of the anemia, I am really sad. Most days, I cry at least twice. Grieving is hard. And exhausting. But it has to be done. I wish it was easy to explain the emptiness that I feel. I miss so much about being pregnant. And everything reminds me of it. Almost anything can set me off, and that is hard. I don't always know how to explain it to Remi, and I don't know if it can be explained. I want so badly to be able to explain why wearing anything but yoga pants and t-shirts makes me almost depressed because my body was changing, and my clothes all started fitting different, and now its back to where I was pre-pregnancy. That makes me sad. There is a very real void in me right now that I am struggling to know what to do with. What can fill the space that was my whole future changing for this little person I thought we were bringing in to the world? Not much at this point. I felt that I was finally being given the opportunity to fulfill my calling in this world, to be a mother. My purpose felt so clear. And now, that is being delayed because we have much to recover from emotionally, mentally, and physically.

I can't speak for my husband, but I do know that this has been crushing to him. I can't even imagine the images that he sees when he closes his eyes, and relives me passing out over and over again. The future feels very daunting and shaky. And it is very easy to feel the pressure of "what if". What if this happened because of something I did. What if this happens again? What if it's my fault? What if we can't have kids? What if... What if... What if...
It is never ending.
And most of them are probably unrealistic and improbable.
But they are still very real thoughts and right now feel validated.
There is something terrifying about the unknown.

Right now it takes all my energy and courage to stay positive. But I have to let myself be sad and grieve the loss of what might have been, and what will not be.

I find comfort in knowing that my Heavenly Father has a plan for me, and that he will not give me more than I can handle with Him. I know that I cannot do this alone. And I know that He has blessed me with a husband who knows and loves me and wants a future with me, even if it is a hard one. I can do hard things because I have my Savior buoying me up when I can't stay afloat.



Writing is my way of sorting through my thoughts and feelings and I feel like I always end up on the Savior because once I have gotten all of my concerns and fears and thoughts out, it becomes so clear which way I need to turn, and that way is always to Him. I cannot imagine going through this life without the knowledge I have of a Savior who made it possible to progress, and a Loving Father in Heaven who strengthens me with His love when all seems dark.

Even though the unknown is terrifying right now, I accept that. I am not going to try and change it or change the way I feel. Instead, I just am going to give it time. Time to adjust to the loss. Time to grieve. Time to heal.

First comes Love, Then comes Marriage

So as silly as my reason for not blogging was, it has still prevented me from blogging about our wedding for 6 months!
And that silly reason was the fact that I didn't have wedding pictures at my finger tips to add to this post!

Remi and I started dating in July of 2013 and spent as much time together as we could!
We knew pretty quick thereafter that we were going to get married. We looked forward to not having to say goodnight and start our lives together. We talked about when to get married and for a while we talked about spring of 2014 and then it was winter 2013 and then at the beginning of October, we were talking one night, and got to a point where we were like, "what are we waiting for?" "Why not just get married now?"
And that weekend, We got married! We talked to Remi's bishop and met with him, and he agreed to perform the ceremony on Saturday.

A quick, small ceremony was all we wanted. It gave me anxiety just thinking about planning a wedding and picking a dress and all that wedding stuff. And we didn't want to make a big fuss. We had both been through it before, and we just didn't need it. We just needed each other.

We went shopping the day before to find a sweet little white dress for me and a new suit for him. My mother-in-law picked out some shoes for me and it all came together! We ordered matching bands and that was just enough <3

We chose not to tell people before hand. And I apologize for any feelings that were hurt. It was a a little bit selfish for us to keep it together, but some people were vocal about the disapproval of our relationship and we didn't want anything to taint the day for us. We told our family that was in the area as well as his parents because they wanted to come down from Florida to be here to support us. They were the most supportive of everyone and it was a huge blessing to have them here. It was a small group and we had the ceremony and then we went out with our parents and little brothers to Olive Garden. And then we went to my parents house where we would be living for a while.

It was a happy day and such a blessing to finally be married to my best friend.

Stay tuned for more updates about the Budge's!

Time flies when you're having Fun

Has it has really been one month since I last posted? Shame on me for waiting that long!
I sat down a few times in the last month and started a post, and then never finished, and my random sentences here and there are of little value.

Once again, I find myself wide awake while most of you are sleeping, and there are a few things that contribute to that.
Yesterday, I spent 19 hours in a car driving from Florida to Texas with my beau. Now, I really am not big on road trips because I was raised to travel on airplanes (thanks dad!), but this trip was especially uncomfortable because the day before, we did back and chest p90x as well as ab ripper x.



That was not the smartest thing I've ever done.
My hip flexors, chest, and abs are all completely sore. DYING was used to describe my predicament on more than one occasion. But that is an exaggeration so don't worry too much (;
Also, not being busy, I tend to just veg a lot.... Its pretty bad. I need better hobbies.
But tomorrow is a new day, and I can try and expend a little more energy tomorrow so that I can sleep sooner.

SOOO with that: 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I feel the need to share my thoughts on engagement and marriage.
I read a very interesting article the other day about engagements, and how it seems more and more that couples are more excited about getting engaged than being engaged. ( you can read the article here --> http://convergemagazine.com/engaged-8944/ ) Having gone through this process, I 100% agree with this article. It is sad to think that we, as young adults, are so focused on what others think, and what they are going to think, and how they view us, that we let go of the whole essence of marriage and commitment.
Life should not be a "to-do list". You will never find happiness through a life built on check lists.



What really brings us joy? "Men are that they might have joy".... So where does that come from?
I believe it comes from surrounding yourself with things that make you happy, people who make you laugh, and allowing memories to be made. I think a lot of times we get in the way of our own happiness by giving in to the notion that your life needs to fit in to this box of "normalcy"  (insert shudder here). Forget normal. Let's get happy!



I have found my happy. And time is flying by because of it! It is weird to think that this chapter of life is so new because it is so right and so happy and so comfortable. Nothing about being in love with my best friend scares me. Not a single thing.

It is hard for me just be open about it sometimes because I know that it looks REALLY fast to anyone who didn't know us in high school. But why delay what I know to be right and good? Why should we have to date for a year and be engaged forever before we get married?
When we talk to our moms and other moms about our relationship, we always end up getting the same words... Ultimately it is up to the two of you your Father in Heaven.

I love that advice, because every time I hear it, it rings so true to my soul.
Love is personal. Love is shared. Love is given. Love is built. Love is tested. and Love unites.

Sometimes it feels like there is no way that I can just pick up and move forward, because for so long I was weighed down with negativity, depression, and this need for perfectionism, and a part of me anticipates that life will just be a struggle if I pick up and move forward. But I know that this is not the case any more.

I have moved out of that dark time and in to the light. I have made progress that has changed me.
Don't hold yourself back. You have so much potential and so much to offer the world.
The world doesn't need more of anyone else, it just needs you.




So major side track there from where I was planning on taking this, but I hope if you needed to hear that message that you will take it to heart.

...Back to Marriage

I have a very different view on marriage having gone through divorce.
I look a little closer and a listen a little more.
I am not so quick to judge others and I give encouragement where I can.

Before I got married at age 18, marriage was the answer. It was going to solve all my problems. If I could just get married to a good man, who was spiritual and a straight arrow, I would be able to create this perfect life. Literally, I thought I could have the perfect life. So I went through my mental check list and he seemed to fit everything just nicely. After dating for a few weeks we were in love and discussing whether we should pursue this to marriage or not and we didnt see a reason not to, so 3 short months later, we were engaged. I knew the night we got engaged that something wasnt right. I didnt feel giddy. I didnt feel excited to tell my friends and family. And I was especially not excited to tell my best friend, and when I did, it crushed him. And I knew it would. Especially since 4 months earlier he tried to mend some of the fences between us. But, because I had a list, I moved forward. Now don't get me wrong, I wasn't always uneasy. It's hard to look back and say that I was in love, because it was so new and we really didnt know each other. I think more than anything I was in love with this idea that he was going to be able to give me the perfect life I always dreamed of. Marriage was going to save me from myself. It was going to put me in control of my life. I would have someone there to encourage me and help me read my scriptures every day. It was going to be idyllic.

Marriage, now, has a completely different meaning to me.
Marriage is a commitment to your best friend
Marriage is a commitment to God to love your best friend forever.
Through the hard times and the joyous times.
Marriage has a purpose, and that purpose is to unite together to build a family.
I look forward to a marriage full of laughter, love, loving, loving on, being loved, making love, giving love, sharing hopes, dreams, fears, and jokes, and a marriage where I am never put down or made to feel a lesser being for any reason.
Service is a fundamental component of a strong foundation. It allows you to put someone before yourself, and when you do that willingly, your life will be filled with joy.

Nothing makes me happier than when I am sitting next to my best friend, holding hands, my head on his shoulder, and he kisses my head.

That is my perfect. 
I promised Remi that no matter how frustrated, or angry, or bad a day was, that I would always stand by his side. No matter how high emotions run, or how draining a day may have been, I will always be there. And I told him that I will be okay and be able to deal with emotional days as long as at the end of the day, he holds me close and tells me he loves me. And he promised to do his best. And that is all you can ask of someone.

He gives his best. I give my best. And we forgive when we fall short.
I dare you to love a little more, and forgive a little faster.

When something happens that just gets you going, I challenge you to stop and really think about it for a minute. Did they really mean to hurt you? Is that like them? Am I overreacting to an unintentional wrong-doing?

Respond a little slower. Love a little more. And trust your instincts.

We are all human. We are all imperfect. And we are all doing our best.

God is good. Life is good. Love is good.

I have had a hard time knowing where to start my next post, and I am not exactly sure where this is going yet, but there are a few things that I have been wanting to share the last few weeks.

First, an update. I am officially back in Texas and I couldn't be happier about that. Also, I have great parents who have been a tremendous support to me as I made my way half way across the country (my car is kind of a clunker!) and they deserve a huge Thank You! And most importantly (drum roll not necessary... ) I celebrated my 22nd birthday 2 weeks ago! Nothing too fancy considering I had to take my clinical test and then start driving (passenger seat thanks to my sweet man) to Texas. But all in all, I felt the love from the people that matter most and am beyond grateful to have a new year ahead of me. It is going to be a great one, of that I am sure!

Now on to the meaty stuff (:

Learning lessons. This is something that I feel like I have always been blessed to be able to do. When I go through any experience, I want to learn something. It might be that I really like something, or that I dislike something. But when it comes to big events, like depression and divorce, sometimes it is harder to find the lesson.

My last post covered the biggest ones I think, but there are some smaller ones that are important also, that I would love to share. 

Family

These are the people that God wanted us to get to know more than anyone else, for one reason or another. Parents and siblings may have to love us, but I think most of the time, they would choose to love us anyway. Maintaining relationships with siblings seems to get more and more difficult as you get older. I come from a family of six children, five of which are boys. My four older brothers are located in various states across the USA and I don't talk to them nearly as much as I would like to. My younger brother and I have always been pretty close, but even then, I didn't really talk to him except when I would visit Texas and he was around.

When I finally was able to talk to my brothers about what was going on with me, I think they felt a lot of sadness. You don't like seeing the ones you love hurting, and I hid my sadness from them, and for me to not trust them with my feelings... I just know that it stung. 

I remember very vividly sitting outside of a movie theatre talking to one of my brothers, and just feeling so overcome with relief and overwhelmed by the emotions that came with sharing what I was going through. Hearing him express how sorry he was that he didn't know, and that I didn't feel like I could come to him brought me to tears. I needed so badly to hear that my family loved me, and he gave that to me. In that moment, I promised him that we would talk more and that I would not go through hard things alone any more. 

I hope that I can create stronger bonds with each of my siblings. Phone calls seem to have gone obsolete the last few years, but I think they can really make a difference. Texting and facebook are only words, and words are easily taken as the reader wants to take them. You only have so much control over what they understand or take from your words.

I love my family. I want them to know that I love them. And I hope that no one in my family ever feels like they need to go through hard things (or great things) alone. We are sent here to be a part of a family, and then to create families of our own, and what a blessing family can be, if only we will let it.

Honesty

I feel like hitting this one again because it is just that important. Honesty comes from within, and there are two sides to the honesty coin, if you will. Being honest with and to yourself, and being honest with and to others, including the Lord. 

When there is something going on in your life, the very worst question someone can ask you is "How are you?" This question is just begging people to lie to you. Because our automatic response is to say "I'm fine" or "I'm doing well, how about you?" and on any given day, how often are you really just fine? Stressed, busy, tired, really bad, frazzled, angry, frustrated, productive, etc. seem to come to my mind more often then fine. Sometimes, this question can open a conversation, but really, I think there are better questions that can be asked of others. SO I challenge you to find a different question to ask. Don't let that question be something you do out of formality and habit. If you really want to know how somebody is doing, then really take the time to find out. 

I remember being asked this on so many occasions and every single time, I lied. Because lying was easier than letting the flood gates open. And because I started with this little lie, I continued to lie to keep up appearances. Lying is so dangerous. It is so destructive, and it is so bad for the soul. 

" 'A lie is any communication given to another with the intent to deceive.’ A lie can be effectively communicated without words ever being spoken. Sometimes a nod of the head or silence can deceive” (1.)

Rémi and I have this honesty policy. 1. We are not allowed to bring something up and then not divulge. If you are going to bring it up, then you are going to talk about it. (and let me tell you, this one has often bitten me in the butt!) 2. We are completely honest with each other. This allows us to communicate very openly. One of the things that I struggle with, is when I am dealing with conflict or a problem, I like to think my way through the whole thing before I share. I like to completely develop my opinion and strategy before I present it to anyone. Well, this leaves for a lot of silence on my end, and that can be very frustrating for others. So. When he asks, or when anyone asks, I now can say, "I'm still thinking. I am not ready to talk about it yet, but I will let you know when I am." or something along those lines. I don't think it is healthy to just spew out everything you are thinking, but keeping those you love in the loop, even if that loop is "I'm not ready yet", is so beneficial. Honesty is a really great place to start when you are trying to develop trust, and even more important in maintaining trust.

Take Action
We have all heard the saying "actions speak louder than words" and I am hear to reaffirm the validity of this statement. In relationships this is especially important. Something that I am having to get used to is that Rémi was raised by amazing parents who taught him to respect women in a way that is very much forgotten these days. Well that part I knew already, but I am NOT allowed to open doors if he is there to do it for me. And I love this. I love that I get in trouble and get his stink eye when I forget and accidentally open my own door when getting in or out of the car. I love that he wants me to feel special every single day and that he shows me and doesn't just tell me. He will always take the broom from me or take over dishes. And I could really keep going on and on with a list of things he does to show his love. He is truly wonderful.
I find that taking action often leads to opportunities to serve, and serving is one of the greatest things that we can do in this life. Giving service is like the healing balm to sorrow. The scriptures are constantly providing examples of service and showing us the blessings that come from service. Putting others before yourself is a sure way to express love in any given situation.
Which brings me to having a healthy relationship.
The way a healthy relationship works is that two people decide to put the other person's needs above their own. Both parties must give 100% all the time, so that when (not if, but when) someone falls short, you are not left with a gap in the relationship. You cannot meet in the middle. You must encompass the other with love and support completely. I always think of two lines.
_____________________________~_____________________________
These two lines meet in the middle. And when both are working to meet in the middle, then they make a complete line that is sufficient.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
These two lines have each others backs. They are there for each other, anticipating the other's needs, and are going to have a much greater chance at a successful relationship.

Make you significant other a priority. Put them second to none other than God. Let your relationship thrive in service and love, and the hard times won't seem so unbearable. SHOW them you love them every single day. Find their love language, and speak it. And if you don't know, then figure it out (2.)

I believe that people are most important. Remember your family. Be Honest. Show people that you love them. And show strangers that you see them, acknowledge them, and are not afraid of them. Don't be the awkward floor watcher. Give a smile, a nod, a wave. Surprise someone with an action. Put someone above yourself. And watch your happiness increase.

Love makes the world go round, but we must show it every day.

1. http://www.lds.org/manual/preparing-for-exaltation-teachers-manual/lesson-37-honest-in-all-things?lang=eng&query=2012+honest2. http://www.5lovelanguages.com/

Moving forward

Some might think that because I've gone through a divorce that marriage would seem scary, intimidating, or the last thing in my mind. Common advice I have been receiving is to just enjoy being single, take my time, wait a few years, just do me, and other things along those line. I get it. I get why this is people's advice to me. People do not want to see me get hurt again. People are afraid and want me to be cautious.

But who says I am not being cautious?

I have done a lot of soul searching through this whole thing. I look back on my 18 year old self and see someone who had some very skewed perceptions on marriage and what it is. I see a girl who wanted so badly to be grown up, to be in control of her life, who had herself and others convinced that she knew exactly what would make her happy. I see someone who was desperate for something secure and safe. I see someone who talked herself in and out of a lot of things based on what others perceived or may have perceived. And if I could go back and talk to that girl, do you know what I would say?
Trust yourself.
Don't worry so much about what people think, because in the end that doesn't really matter.
And let go, especially of the perfectionism.

Now, why those three things? Let me let you in to my head for a minute...

1. Trust yourself.
I knew in my gut that getting married was not the right thing at the time I got married. But I had said yes and I was so scared about what he would say, what my family would say, etc. if I were to be honest with those feelings. And on paper there was nothing wrong with us. Why shouldn't we get married? Marriage is good, right?
Well yes. With the right person it is good, in fact it can be more than good, it can be wonderful. I know this because I have seen it. I am under no illusion that marriage is rainbows and butterflies, but when you get two people who love each other and respect each other and put each other first, you can see and feel love radiating off these people, especially when they are around or talking about there significant other. Their happiness is inspiring. Hard times are not so hard when you are facing them with your best friend and companion.
So I would say, trust yourself. Because deep down I knew I was marrying the wrong person. I knew that I was not marrying my best friend... and you should marry your best friend. We all carry the answers inside of us, sometimes we just need to have the courage to look and find them.
This leads right in to number two.

2. Don't worry about what other people think so much.
Worrying about what people think of me is something I really struggle with. As a teenager I wanted so badly to be perfect. I wanted everyone else to be happy that it didn't matter what I needed, I put myself on a shelf. Always. One of the big reasons I was afraid to talk to people about what I was going through was because I was afraid of what people would think. What kind of person doesn't miss their spouse when they're gone? What kind of person was I for being unhappy in a marriage with no major problems? I just knew I was going to be judged for the way I felt that it was just easier to pretend like everything was just peachy. I literally had people tell me that we were the perfect couple, and in my head I'm like, "if only you knew how perfect we are not." "If only you knew how much hurt and guilt I am hiding".
Constantly worrying about what people would think led me to keep every ounce of hurt and guilt and sadness bottled up which was so damaging.
What kind of life is lying all the time? I have truly grown to hate lying. Even little white lies. They are so pointless. We need to stop trying to protect people from our feelings. This doesn't mean be tactless, but it does mean being honest. If you aren't wanting to talk about something, just say that. If it drives you crazy that your spouse does something, don't bottle that up, just talk to them. They love you and I guarantee they don't mean to be driving you crazy! A simple conversation could resolve it all.
If you need something, especially something emotional, tell someone. If you need space, if you need a hug, if you need more or less of anything, you should not be afraid of asking for it. Your needs matter and so do your significant other's. Be open to asking and open to receiving, and you can work together to meet each others' needs.

I am at a point with myself that I don't need anyone's permission to be happy.
I get that people won't get it, but they can ask and I will try to explain why and how I am moving forward as fast as I am. I have never loved and respected my life and self more than I do right now, and not in a conceited way. I am just very sure of who I am and what I want out of my life. I hope that people will come to see that, but even if they don't, I can't let that stop my progression.

3. I am a perfectionist. I admit it. I have accepted it. And I do not let it control my life anymore.

I have learned how to let go of this and other things through the help of a wonderful therapist, a loving God, and an amazingly insightful best friend. I was always a little but anal when it came to certain things like organization and my appearance. I hate leaving the house without makeup. My toe nails are always painted. I color code everything. I really try to be perfect in relationships and it really affects my self esteem when I'm not. I have high standards for what is acceptable for anything. And most of all I just really wanted people to think I was perfect. And how dumb is that? Because no one is perfect and that kind of thinking will make anyone Miserable. I hated myself for some time because of this thinking.
Dealing with some of these things is allowing me to move forward. I hope that if any of these things are problems for you that you will do a serious evaluation of your self and find where it is coming from. Finding the root of it allows you to change the way you think.
I have spent the last 10 months figuring out how to be happy with myself, and I feel like a polished version of who I was before the depression.
I learned to love myself when I learned how much God loves me. God works through people and he answers prayers through people and I am so grateful for the people in my life, especially my best friend.
I am so ready to move forward in my life. I know who I am. I know that God has a plan for me. I know that you may not agree with what God has planned for me, but that is okay. I know that we are meant to have joy in this life. And I know what and who brings joy into my life.
I don't need to spend years exploring my self and the world and my options in it because I know what I want. It's what I've always wanted.
And that is a family of my own. I want to be a wife and a mother. Above all else, that is my goal.

 
I have learned so many lessons from my marriage and I told you before that I promised I would learn from my past, and I have and will continue to. But we will save those lessons for the next blog post.
I guess this was a really long way to say that even though I am divorced, my goal of having a family has not changed. I have always wanted to be a mom, and in my marriage I lost that desire. But this desire has been renewed in me and I look forward to the day when my life is at a point that I can start that chapter of life. I am 100% ready to be moving forward and as I start to, I find happiness at every turn. What more could I ask for?