Come Unto Christ

I have been meaning to post for a long time now.
Life has been different since the miscarriage. And I know it is because I am different now.
Every day there is something that takes me back to that day.
Every day I see something that causes that pang in my heart.

I don't know what I really want to share, and every time I start sharing my feelings, I delete them off the page, because I am trying so hard to not live in the past.

Right after it happened, I thought that getting pregnant right away was that answer. I missed that feeling. That indescribable feeling of carrying a life inside of you. I needed that back. I fought off depression almost daily. I went through good days and bad days, and serious mood swings. I wanted to be better. I wanted to be okay. I wanted to take back all the times I thought that maybe our lives would be simpler if I didn't feel so strongly about trying. I felt like it was my fault. I felt like I jinxed it. I have felt for a long time that when I share good news, it backfires, so it must be on me.

I know that its irrational. I know that it is nobodies fault that I had a miscarriage, and I know that God has a plan and that this is part of it for us.
It has been about 10 weeks since that life-changing day, and in that time, so much has changed.
Remi and I have struggled, and we have cried. We have loved and we have talked.
I am so frustrated that I am back on birth control and that it makes me feel "off" . I am frustrated that it is not my time yet.
But I know that God loves me and knows what I need, when I need it.

This experience has shifted our perspective and I think the Lord is going to continue giving us experiences to shift our thinking until we are where we need to be emotionally and spiritually to handle the precious gift that is a baby. I am so excited to someday be blessed with that gift, and I have to stay focused on the most important things. I know that I need to give the Lord my all to be prepared spiritually. I have not been doing my best and I want to do better.
I was reading some blogs today and I found this lady's idea for how to not miss a single day of scripture/spiritual study.  and i LOVED it. I want to try it.

Basically what she did, is she and a few girlfriends created a group text message, and gave a daily report about what they got out of their reading that day.
I read this and immediately thought of a few ladies I know who might be able to help me with this. Studying scriptures or uplifting messages on a daily message has never been a strong point for me and I know that this was an answer to many prayers. I have this backwards way of thinking and I let it get in the way of my spirituality. I don't pray like I should, because I don't feel like I have a great place to pray, where I can focus. I don't read my scriptures like I want to because I feel like I am not doing a good enough job, that it would be a waste of time because I am not effectively studying and don't know how to effectively study.

I want to do better. And I have prayed so many times in my heart for help to know how to study and where to study and what to use (books, magazines, ipads, etc.) and running across this article just felt right. I feel like I need to ask for help and this feels like my answer. I feel like it is just me standing in my own way, but I need to be okay with asking for help.

So I am asking for help so that I can better myself and be the daughter of God that I know I am, that others around me might see me as a light. I want to be better so that I can be the best wife now and the best mother someday.

The Haunting Unknown

This past week has been a very challenging one. It is extremely difficult to stay positive and not let life get overwhelming.

Remi has known me so long and he knows me so well, and there is this thing he has discovered.

Its the rule of three.
In short, if there are more than two things going on at one time, I get extremely grumpy extraordinarily fast. For example: If I am hungry, and tired, AND cold.. I am a monster. If I am only tired and hungry though, I am tolerable. If I am tired and Upset, I get over it quickly, but if I have a headache.... it is better to just wait it out.

These last 2 months, I was tired and uncomfortable most days, so if anything else was going on, I was lazy and grumpy. And my office leader was a real challenge for me. I felt like I had the world against me. And because I was working, I didn't get to take naps, and that was sad. On days I napped, I felt so much better. Remi put up with a lot these past two months. Most days, I would wake up late, rush to work, come home for lunch exhausted, go back to work, come home from work, and one of two things would happen: I would get something done, whether it be make dinner, put away laundry, start laundry, unload the dishwasher, etc. and then sit down on the couch and lay there until bed time. or I would come home, take off my shoes, and lay down on the couch and watch Netflix or a Movie. At which point I would 100% fall asleep on the couch until Remi woke me up to go to bed. This is literally sums up 95% of my weekdays. I was a tired girl. ALL the time.

This week, I have been tired for different reasons. I am severely anemic right now and that is making my life challenging. I have to move a lot slower, take my time getting up, catch my breath after going up stairs, and sit down often, all of which are very foreign to me. I am a go go go person and I hate feeling lazy. I feel worthless when I don't feel well because I am not getting things done that I would normally do. So anemia. Yay. Hopefully the Iron supplements and chlorphyll suplements will help. And also red meat as often as I can... which is like twice a week haha. Im not huge on red meat.
 
On top of the anemia, I am really sad. Most days, I cry at least twice. Grieving is hard. And exhausting. But it has to be done. I wish it was easy to explain the emptiness that I feel. I miss so much about being pregnant. And everything reminds me of it. Almost anything can set me off, and that is hard. I don't always know how to explain it to Remi, and I don't know if it can be explained. I want so badly to be able to explain why wearing anything but yoga pants and t-shirts makes me almost depressed because my body was changing, and my clothes all started fitting different, and now its back to where I was pre-pregnancy. That makes me sad. There is a very real void in me right now that I am struggling to know what to do with. What can fill the space that was my whole future changing for this little person I thought we were bringing in to the world? Not much at this point. I felt that I was finally being given the opportunity to fulfill my calling in this world, to be a mother. My purpose felt so clear. And now, that is being delayed because we have much to recover from emotionally, mentally, and physically.

I can't speak for my husband, but I do know that this has been crushing to him. I can't even imagine the images that he sees when he closes his eyes, and relives me passing out over and over again. The future feels very daunting and shaky. And it is very easy to feel the pressure of "what if". What if this happened because of something I did. What if this happens again? What if it's my fault? What if we can't have kids? What if... What if... What if...
It is never ending.
And most of them are probably unrealistic and improbable.
But they are still very real thoughts and right now feel validated.
There is something terrifying about the unknown.

Right now it takes all my energy and courage to stay positive. But I have to let myself be sad and grieve the loss of what might have been, and what will not be.

I find comfort in knowing that my Heavenly Father has a plan for me, and that he will not give me more than I can handle with Him. I know that I cannot do this alone. And I know that He has blessed me with a husband who knows and loves me and wants a future with me, even if it is a hard one. I can do hard things because I have my Savior buoying me up when I can't stay afloat.



Writing is my way of sorting through my thoughts and feelings and I feel like I always end up on the Savior because once I have gotten all of my concerns and fears and thoughts out, it becomes so clear which way I need to turn, and that way is always to Him. I cannot imagine going through this life without the knowledge I have of a Savior who made it possible to progress, and a Loving Father in Heaven who strengthens me with His love when all seems dark.

Even though the unknown is terrifying right now, I accept that. I am not going to try and change it or change the way I feel. Instead, I just am going to give it time. Time to adjust to the loss. Time to grieve. Time to heal.

Sharing the Love of Christ with Others

It shouldnt be hard, right? Telling somebody you care about that there is a God who knows them personally, and loves them, and is waiting with open arms to accept them. A lot of times, when I struggle, this knowledge keeps me going.
Remi has been such an amazing example of not being afraid to talk to people about his beliefs and religion. Back in December, he started a deep conversation with a friend (in the hottub of course!) and this conversation ended up changing his friend's life. Over the next few months, the three of us met with missionaries from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Every lesson we participated in helped my faith and conviction grow. I think what makes me nervous about talking about our beliefs as members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is that we have a lot of responsibility on our shoulders. God has asked a lot of his followers, and that is intimidating sometimes. As I sit here thinking about typing out my feelings, I keep getting the impression that this is an area that I can do better on. Watching somebody accept the Gospel of Jesus Christ so easily and see how positively it has affected his life has been the perfect little kick in the booty that I needed! Sharing is Caring yall. When you have something that makes you better, why not talk about it?? You never know who is listening or who is ready to hear. God helps us hear what we need to hear through the words of his children (that's us!). We are all God's children and he loves each and every one of us. He KNOWS us. He knows what your struggles are and what your strengths are. He wants to help you become like him, and even though that path is uphill and will be hard, He will be there every step of the way, guiding you and directing you. Because He loves you. More than you can know.

Back to Zach, Remi's friend. He made the decision to be baptized pretty early on in his lessons. The Holy Ghost (Holy Spirit) testified to all of us of the truthfullness of the words, messages, and commandments that were being shared. He asked Remi to baptize him and I know that this event will forever bond these two men.

Love these Goofballs

Elder Webb, Elder Sherwood, Zach, Bethany, Remi, and Elder Tryon

Zach and his Family

Nothing compares to the absolute JOY that comes from watching and being a part of someone giving themselves to Christ: To Promise to follow all of his commandments, to help those in need, to do everything they can to be like Him. We are all Children of a Heavenly Father who Loves each and every one of us. 

We were in church a few weeks ago and we were talking about blessings and obedience. Sister Lewis said that she had looked up what the websters definition of Blessed was and it is "to be made holy". My understanding of Holy is to become more like God. This completely changed the way I look at blessings. Elder Uchdorf or the Quorum of the twelve apostles, gave a talk in the April General Conference 2014 about being grateful in every circumstance (found at https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2014/04/grateful-in-any-circumstances?lang=eng&query= ). In this talk he tells us to just be grateful, not because of what we have been given, but because being grateful will make us happy. When we acknowledge that God is the reason that we are alive every single day, no matter how hard each day may be, we are alive and have a God who loves us, and we really do have so much to be grateful for. I looked up blessing and the definition read "God's favor and protection". I truly believe that Obedience brings Blessings. Obeying God will bring us closer to Him, it will bring us in favor with Him, and he will Protect us. He wants us to be safe and He wants us to be close to Him. 

I am so grateful for the reminders to be better and do better and I hope that I can do a better job of opening my mouth and sharing my beliefs with others. The things we hold most dear to us are the very things that can bless (bring closer to God) the lives of others. We can all be God's hands if we will prepare and listen.