Come Unto Christ

I have been meaning to post for a long time now.
Life has been different since the miscarriage. And I know it is because I am different now.
Every day there is something that takes me back to that day.
Every day I see something that causes that pang in my heart.

I don't know what I really want to share, and every time I start sharing my feelings, I delete them off the page, because I am trying so hard to not live in the past.

Right after it happened, I thought that getting pregnant right away was that answer. I missed that feeling. That indescribable feeling of carrying a life inside of you. I needed that back. I fought off depression almost daily. I went through good days and bad days, and serious mood swings. I wanted to be better. I wanted to be okay. I wanted to take back all the times I thought that maybe our lives would be simpler if I didn't feel so strongly about trying. I felt like it was my fault. I felt like I jinxed it. I have felt for a long time that when I share good news, it backfires, so it must be on me.

I know that its irrational. I know that it is nobodies fault that I had a miscarriage, and I know that God has a plan and that this is part of it for us.
It has been about 10 weeks since that life-changing day, and in that time, so much has changed.
Remi and I have struggled, and we have cried. We have loved and we have talked.
I am so frustrated that I am back on birth control and that it makes me feel "off" . I am frustrated that it is not my time yet.
But I know that God loves me and knows what I need, when I need it.

This experience has shifted our perspective and I think the Lord is going to continue giving us experiences to shift our thinking until we are where we need to be emotionally and spiritually to handle the precious gift that is a baby. I am so excited to someday be blessed with that gift, and I have to stay focused on the most important things. I know that I need to give the Lord my all to be prepared spiritually. I have not been doing my best and I want to do better.
I was reading some blogs today and I found this lady's idea for how to not miss a single day of scripture/spiritual study.  and i LOVED it. I want to try it.

Basically what she did, is she and a few girlfriends created a group text message, and gave a daily report about what they got out of their reading that day.
I read this and immediately thought of a few ladies I know who might be able to help me with this. Studying scriptures or uplifting messages on a daily message has never been a strong point for me and I know that this was an answer to many prayers. I have this backwards way of thinking and I let it get in the way of my spirituality. I don't pray like I should, because I don't feel like I have a great place to pray, where I can focus. I don't read my scriptures like I want to because I feel like I am not doing a good enough job, that it would be a waste of time because I am not effectively studying and don't know how to effectively study.

I want to do better. And I have prayed so many times in my heart for help to know how to study and where to study and what to use (books, magazines, ipads, etc.) and running across this article just felt right. I feel like I need to ask for help and this feels like my answer. I feel like it is just me standing in my own way, but I need to be okay with asking for help.

So I am asking for help so that I can better myself and be the daughter of God that I know I am, that others around me might see me as a light. I want to be better so that I can be the best wife now and the best mother someday.