Moving forward

Some might think that because I've gone through a divorce that marriage would seem scary, intimidating, or the last thing in my mind. Common advice I have been receiving is to just enjoy being single, take my time, wait a few years, just do me, and other things along those line. I get it. I get why this is people's advice to me. People do not want to see me get hurt again. People are afraid and want me to be cautious.

But who says I am not being cautious?

I have done a lot of soul searching through this whole thing. I look back on my 18 year old self and see someone who had some very skewed perceptions on marriage and what it is. I see a girl who wanted so badly to be grown up, to be in control of her life, who had herself and others convinced that she knew exactly what would make her happy. I see someone who was desperate for something secure and safe. I see someone who talked herself in and out of a lot of things based on what others perceived or may have perceived. And if I could go back and talk to that girl, do you know what I would say?
Trust yourself.
Don't worry so much about what people think, because in the end that doesn't really matter.
And let go, especially of the perfectionism.

Now, why those three things? Let me let you in to my head for a minute...

1. Trust yourself.
I knew in my gut that getting married was not the right thing at the time I got married. But I had said yes and I was so scared about what he would say, what my family would say, etc. if I were to be honest with those feelings. And on paper there was nothing wrong with us. Why shouldn't we get married? Marriage is good, right?
Well yes. With the right person it is good, in fact it can be more than good, it can be wonderful. I know this because I have seen it. I am under no illusion that marriage is rainbows and butterflies, but when you get two people who love each other and respect each other and put each other first, you can see and feel love radiating off these people, especially when they are around or talking about there significant other. Their happiness is inspiring. Hard times are not so hard when you are facing them with your best friend and companion.
So I would say, trust yourself. Because deep down I knew I was marrying the wrong person. I knew that I was not marrying my best friend... and you should marry your best friend. We all carry the answers inside of us, sometimes we just need to have the courage to look and find them.
This leads right in to number two.

2. Don't worry about what other people think so much.
Worrying about what people think of me is something I really struggle with. As a teenager I wanted so badly to be perfect. I wanted everyone else to be happy that it didn't matter what I needed, I put myself on a shelf. Always. One of the big reasons I was afraid to talk to people about what I was going through was because I was afraid of what people would think. What kind of person doesn't miss their spouse when they're gone? What kind of person was I for being unhappy in a marriage with no major problems? I just knew I was going to be judged for the way I felt that it was just easier to pretend like everything was just peachy. I literally had people tell me that we were the perfect couple, and in my head I'm like, "if only you knew how perfect we are not." "If only you knew how much hurt and guilt I am hiding".
Constantly worrying about what people would think led me to keep every ounce of hurt and guilt and sadness bottled up which was so damaging.
What kind of life is lying all the time? I have truly grown to hate lying. Even little white lies. They are so pointless. We need to stop trying to protect people from our feelings. This doesn't mean be tactless, but it does mean being honest. If you aren't wanting to talk about something, just say that. If it drives you crazy that your spouse does something, don't bottle that up, just talk to them. They love you and I guarantee they don't mean to be driving you crazy! A simple conversation could resolve it all.
If you need something, especially something emotional, tell someone. If you need space, if you need a hug, if you need more or less of anything, you should not be afraid of asking for it. Your needs matter and so do your significant other's. Be open to asking and open to receiving, and you can work together to meet each others' needs.

I am at a point with myself that I don't need anyone's permission to be happy.
I get that people won't get it, but they can ask and I will try to explain why and how I am moving forward as fast as I am. I have never loved and respected my life and self more than I do right now, and not in a conceited way. I am just very sure of who I am and what I want out of my life. I hope that people will come to see that, but even if they don't, I can't let that stop my progression.

3. I am a perfectionist. I admit it. I have accepted it. And I do not let it control my life anymore.

I have learned how to let go of this and other things through the help of a wonderful therapist, a loving God, and an amazingly insightful best friend. I was always a little but anal when it came to certain things like organization and my appearance. I hate leaving the house without makeup. My toe nails are always painted. I color code everything. I really try to be perfect in relationships and it really affects my self esteem when I'm not. I have high standards for what is acceptable for anything. And most of all I just really wanted people to think I was perfect. And how dumb is that? Because no one is perfect and that kind of thinking will make anyone Miserable. I hated myself for some time because of this thinking.
Dealing with some of these things is allowing me to move forward. I hope that if any of these things are problems for you that you will do a serious evaluation of your self and find where it is coming from. Finding the root of it allows you to change the way you think.
I have spent the last 10 months figuring out how to be happy with myself, and I feel like a polished version of who I was before the depression.
I learned to love myself when I learned how much God loves me. God works through people and he answers prayers through people and I am so grateful for the people in my life, especially my best friend.
I am so ready to move forward in my life. I know who I am. I know that God has a plan for me. I know that you may not agree with what God has planned for me, but that is okay. I know that we are meant to have joy in this life. And I know what and who brings joy into my life.
I don't need to spend years exploring my self and the world and my options in it because I know what I want. It's what I've always wanted.
And that is a family of my own. I want to be a wife and a mother. Above all else, that is my goal.

 
I have learned so many lessons from my marriage and I told you before that I promised I would learn from my past, and I have and will continue to. But we will save those lessons for the next blog post.
I guess this was a really long way to say that even though I am divorced, my goal of having a family has not changed. I have always wanted to be a mom, and in my marriage I lost that desire. But this desire has been renewed in me and I look forward to the day when my life is at a point that I can start that chapter of life. I am 100% ready to be moving forward and as I start to, I find happiness at every turn. What more could I ask for?