21 and Divorced

No one likes divorce. It is hard to talk about and it is even harder to go through, but we all know someone who has gone through it. Most of the time people just avoid talking about it, and I don't blame them. I mean, do you say I'm sorry, or congrats? Well it depends on the person. It's a very confusing subject and it is very personal and it is sad that it is such a common thing in our world today.
I'm not really sure where this is going, but I really feel like I want to share some of what I've been through and where I am at now. I don't mean to offend anyone or make light of the magnitude of divorce, but I would like to speak candidly about me.

I am in a really good place right now, and I'm not just saying that. I have worked really hard to get to where I am today. I know that I was very private through all of this, and I realize now that that may not have been the best way to deal with everything that is going on, but I didn't know how to talk about it. Because I was very private through all of this, I know that people may be surprised by 1. that I am divorced, 2. that I am not a hot mess, and 3. that I am ready to move on in life. That is a lot to accept. I get that. I know that it has been really hard for some of my family to accept, and a lot of that has to do with the fact that I never talked about how much I was hurting in my marriage, so when it came to an end, "I had not tried" in the eyes of others. If I could go back, I would have opened up to more people, but the fact remains that I suffered through this on my own, with only my Savior there to guide me. I have a great family, but they are split pretty much in half about supporting my decision to get a divorce. I say are because I know that there are still some of them who are struggling to accept my decision.
If there is one thing I could say to them though, it would be that I am happy now. I want everyone to know that I feel a huge weight lifted off my shoulders and I feel like myself again. I am happy and I haven't been able to say that honestly for a few years.
I was literally living a lie. I put on a front for the world to see because I didn't know how to talk to people. I didn't trust that anyone would understand or try to listen, and I feared what other people would think if they knew that I was not nearly as strong as I appeared to be. So many days I wished somebody would just ask me how I was really doing. I wanted so badly for someone to see that I was hurting, and that I was hiding it. I felt so alone and scared and guilty that I was unhappy in my marriage, and so many days I just wanted to have someone there who could let me cry and talk about it... but that never happened.

Looking back, I know that I gave this my all, but when it comes down to the truth, I was married to the wrong person and no amount of trying was going to bring me the type of joy I know we can experience in this life. He is a good person who loves God and tried to be a good husband. I will not speak ill of him or tell you lies to get you to think I was in the right for getting a divorce, because that doesn't matter. We were not best friends, and that is such a critical piece of a strong relationship. I never felt like I could be myself with him nor did I ever miss him when he was gone, and these were really big struggles for me. So many nights, I begged and pleaded with the Lord to change my heart, to help me control my thoughts, to help me see him as He did so that I might be able to love him as a wife should love her husband, and I felt guilty every day that I was so unhappy with our relationship. He deserved to be with someone who wanted to be there, who appreciated him and loved him with everything she had, and I just knew I couldn't give that to him.

After 2 years of marriage, I became severely depressed. And I continued to hide it from the world the best I could. He knew that there were some things wrong, but I didn't know what to say to him and I didn't trust that he would be sensitive to what I was feeling. I avoided going home. I avoided people. I avoided food. I pretty much wanted to crawl in a hole and never come out, and a lot of days I just cried and cried and cried alone. I used books as an escape from reality, and would seriously read 2-3 books per week. I lost almost 20 lbs because I just couldn't eat. I felt sick all the time and contemplated a lot of things that I am so grateful I didn't do. After a few months of this all consuming depression, I reached my breaking point. I just couldn't pretend anymore. I felt like I was breaking. So I turned to the two people I knew would always love me. My mother and God.

This experience led me to therapy where I was able to talk and be completely honest with someone. I started on an antidepressant and this literally saved me. I was able to deal with my problems without the depression crushing everything. I came to learn a lot about myself through 6 months of therapy, and am so grateful for the people that have helped me through the last year. I am not an advocate for pills because I think they are heavily over-prescribed, but there are definitely situations where they are helpful and appropriate. I am grateful that I am in a place now where I no longer need medication, and where I am confident enough in my self, my values, my truths, and my opinions to be okay with my life.

So much of my past was driven by others. I did things for other people and their perception of me. I did not want to disappoint, I did not want to be viewed as immature, and my perfectionism took control of my life. If others viewed my life as perfect, maybe it would be.
This type of thinking literally stole all joy and happiness from me.

I am not the type of person to look back in life and regret decisions or play the what if game, because I would rather learn from my past. I have learned so much and even though I know people may be hesitant to trust my judgement and choices, I have confidence in my self. I have confidence in God's plan. And I have confidence that divorce has not ruined my life. There have been lessons learned, and I promise to never forget them.