Perfectionism

About 2 years ago in therapy, I worked on not letting perfectionism control my life. Over the last 2 years a lot has happened and I have found myself slipping back in to a lot of old habits.

Some of the top contenders include

-- comparing myself with this perfect version of myself
-- not praying daily
-- using media to escape reality
-- not being assertive

This last week has been extremely challenging for me. I felt like everything was working against me to drag me down, and I let these feelings of despair eat away at me. So many days, I was in bed just making lists of all the things I was failing at. I didn't make dinner. I didn't do the laundry. I didn't pray. and the list goes on. I felt alone and like I had failed.

I really try to stay positive. I try to not be overbearing and controlling. I try to tell myself to let it go.



It is time to get back to my roots. It is time to be true to myself. So I decided that I am going to embrace these things I view as flaws, and turn them in to strengths.

I am a control freak. But being a control freak means that when I am in charge, things will get done. And they will get done when I want them to get done.
I make lists. I am pretty sure this offends Remi sometimes, because I made him a list about a month ago, and I did not get happy vibes from that. But making lists means that I don't forget things. It means that I can prioritize and delegate.
I am self conscience (but aren't we all!). I know I am not fat or ugly, but I feel it sometimes. This is something that is hard to overcome alone, and I am so grateful for Remi because he helps me with this. He tells me how beautiful I am, how perfect my body is, and how I don't need to change to be beautiful. I truly thinks he sees me as most beautiful when my hair is pulled back and I have no makeup on. There is nothing wrong with being self conscience, but I think it would be better if I viewed it as opportunity to become stronger. Our Bodies are a gift from God and how amazing they truly are. I am going to try and focus all these feelings in to motivation to work out and become strong.
I don't pray every day. I hate that I don't. I know it is important. And I have been contemplating what is so hard about this for me, and I honestly have come to feel like I am afraid of what might be asked of me. Especially when it comes to starting a family. After my miscarriage, I thought a baby would fix the emptiness I felt, but after some time passed, I developed  a lot of fear. I think it is time to let that fear go and embrace whatever the Lord has in store for me, and us.
We had a lesson in church on Sunday about burdens and how the Lord will help us carry these because his Load is Easy and His Burden is Light. A sister made a comment that there was a point that she was really struggling with how much was being asked of her, and the answer she got was that Life is not meant to be easy. Life is meant to be hard. And we are going to be asked to do things we don't want to do and we are going to be asked to make sacrifices. This was hard for her to hear, and it struck me as well, because Life is not meant to be comfortable. Life is a time to be pushed to our Limits and to Grow and Become stronger and wiser. As much as I would love to just sit and watch all day long.... There is so much more I could do that would help me be better. So what about praying together as a couple at the close of the day? I need to not suppress the impressions that come to me to ask to say a prayer together before bed. When we do, I always feel closer to my husband and closer to the Lord. We are blessed when we pray. I just need to be better.
Reading Scriptures is another component of spiritual health that I am proud to say I am doing SO much better at! I started this group text with about 8 girls and we all share uplifting messages and scriptures and things, and this has been a huge motivator for me to read and share something daily. I am not diligent, but My Best Friend Angela is our ROCK. She is so consistent and motivates us all to read and share daily. Sometimes she is the only one to share in a day, but I am so grateful that she continues to share regardless. Love you Ang.

I like things a certain way, especially in my house. And I really dislike this house we are renting so I haven't felt like really decorating it and really figuring out a great organization system, but at our next house, it will happen.
I change my mind. This is probably the thing that drives Remi the most crazy. I don't feel like its bad to change your mind, it means I'm growing and evaluating and moving (right??). I try to not make promises I can't keep, but I'm not perfect, and I am grateful that Remi just goes along with my craziness.

I am not perfect. I don't always have the right answers or say the right things, and I need to be okay with that. I need to remember that when I am feeling like a failure, that the only thing I have failed to do is Remember who I am.



Growing up, the female role models in my life could do it all. My grandma is an excellent cook, her house is always clean, and she is crafty. My mom worked full time, attended every event she could, she cooked, baked, sewed, quilted, crafted, and the list goes on. I wanted to be like them. I wanted to do it all.
As I've grown up, I can see better that they had their priorities set and their actions reflected those priorities. If someone looked at your life for a week, what would they see? If they had to compile a list of your top 3 priorities, what would your actions say?

Looking at my life from this vantage point has allowed me to see that I have work to do. I can say things are a priority all day, but my actions will speak when the day is done.

God does not ask us to be perfect nor does he ask us to do it all. He asks us to be perfected in Him by becoming like Him. I know that the Atonement of Jesus Christ is the way to become whole or perfect, and my un-checked checklists do not affect my worth in the Eyes of God.

Come Unto Christ

I have been meaning to post for a long time now.
Life has been different since the miscarriage. And I know it is because I am different now.
Every day there is something that takes me back to that day.
Every day I see something that causes that pang in my heart.

I don't know what I really want to share, and every time I start sharing my feelings, I delete them off the page, because I am trying so hard to not live in the past.

Right after it happened, I thought that getting pregnant right away was that answer. I missed that feeling. That indescribable feeling of carrying a life inside of you. I needed that back. I fought off depression almost daily. I went through good days and bad days, and serious mood swings. I wanted to be better. I wanted to be okay. I wanted to take back all the times I thought that maybe our lives would be simpler if I didn't feel so strongly about trying. I felt like it was my fault. I felt like I jinxed it. I have felt for a long time that when I share good news, it backfires, so it must be on me.

I know that its irrational. I know that it is nobodies fault that I had a miscarriage, and I know that God has a plan and that this is part of it for us.
It has been about 10 weeks since that life-changing day, and in that time, so much has changed.
Remi and I have struggled, and we have cried. We have loved and we have talked.
I am so frustrated that I am back on birth control and that it makes me feel "off" . I am frustrated that it is not my time yet.
But I know that God loves me and knows what I need, when I need it.

This experience has shifted our perspective and I think the Lord is going to continue giving us experiences to shift our thinking until we are where we need to be emotionally and spiritually to handle the precious gift that is a baby. I am so excited to someday be blessed with that gift, and I have to stay focused on the most important things. I know that I need to give the Lord my all to be prepared spiritually. I have not been doing my best and I want to do better.
I was reading some blogs today and I found this lady's idea for how to not miss a single day of scripture/spiritual study.  and i LOVED it. I want to try it.

Basically what she did, is she and a few girlfriends created a group text message, and gave a daily report about what they got out of their reading that day.
I read this and immediately thought of a few ladies I know who might be able to help me with this. Studying scriptures or uplifting messages on a daily message has never been a strong point for me and I know that this was an answer to many prayers. I have this backwards way of thinking and I let it get in the way of my spirituality. I don't pray like I should, because I don't feel like I have a great place to pray, where I can focus. I don't read my scriptures like I want to because I feel like I am not doing a good enough job, that it would be a waste of time because I am not effectively studying and don't know how to effectively study.

I want to do better. And I have prayed so many times in my heart for help to know how to study and where to study and what to use (books, magazines, ipads, etc.) and running across this article just felt right. I feel like I need to ask for help and this feels like my answer. I feel like it is just me standing in my own way, but I need to be okay with asking for help.

So I am asking for help so that I can better myself and be the daughter of God that I know I am, that others around me might see me as a light. I want to be better so that I can be the best wife now and the best mother someday.

The Haunting Unknown

This past week has been a very challenging one. It is extremely difficult to stay positive and not let life get overwhelming.

Remi has known me so long and he knows me so well, and there is this thing he has discovered.

Its the rule of three.
In short, if there are more than two things going on at one time, I get extremely grumpy extraordinarily fast. For example: If I am hungry, and tired, AND cold.. I am a monster. If I am only tired and hungry though, I am tolerable. If I am tired and Upset, I get over it quickly, but if I have a headache.... it is better to just wait it out.

These last 2 months, I was tired and uncomfortable most days, so if anything else was going on, I was lazy and grumpy. And my office leader was a real challenge for me. I felt like I had the world against me. And because I was working, I didn't get to take naps, and that was sad. On days I napped, I felt so much better. Remi put up with a lot these past two months. Most days, I would wake up late, rush to work, come home for lunch exhausted, go back to work, come home from work, and one of two things would happen: I would get something done, whether it be make dinner, put away laundry, start laundry, unload the dishwasher, etc. and then sit down on the couch and lay there until bed time. or I would come home, take off my shoes, and lay down on the couch and watch Netflix or a Movie. At which point I would 100% fall asleep on the couch until Remi woke me up to go to bed. This is literally sums up 95% of my weekdays. I was a tired girl. ALL the time.

This week, I have been tired for different reasons. I am severely anemic right now and that is making my life challenging. I have to move a lot slower, take my time getting up, catch my breath after going up stairs, and sit down often, all of which are very foreign to me. I am a go go go person and I hate feeling lazy. I feel worthless when I don't feel well because I am not getting things done that I would normally do. So anemia. Yay. Hopefully the Iron supplements and chlorphyll suplements will help. And also red meat as often as I can... which is like twice a week haha. Im not huge on red meat.
 
On top of the anemia, I am really sad. Most days, I cry at least twice. Grieving is hard. And exhausting. But it has to be done. I wish it was easy to explain the emptiness that I feel. I miss so much about being pregnant. And everything reminds me of it. Almost anything can set me off, and that is hard. I don't always know how to explain it to Remi, and I don't know if it can be explained. I want so badly to be able to explain why wearing anything but yoga pants and t-shirts makes me almost depressed because my body was changing, and my clothes all started fitting different, and now its back to where I was pre-pregnancy. That makes me sad. There is a very real void in me right now that I am struggling to know what to do with. What can fill the space that was my whole future changing for this little person I thought we were bringing in to the world? Not much at this point. I felt that I was finally being given the opportunity to fulfill my calling in this world, to be a mother. My purpose felt so clear. And now, that is being delayed because we have much to recover from emotionally, mentally, and physically.

I can't speak for my husband, but I do know that this has been crushing to him. I can't even imagine the images that he sees when he closes his eyes, and relives me passing out over and over again. The future feels very daunting and shaky. And it is very easy to feel the pressure of "what if". What if this happened because of something I did. What if this happens again? What if it's my fault? What if we can't have kids? What if... What if... What if...
It is never ending.
And most of them are probably unrealistic and improbable.
But they are still very real thoughts and right now feel validated.
There is something terrifying about the unknown.

Right now it takes all my energy and courage to stay positive. But I have to let myself be sad and grieve the loss of what might have been, and what will not be.

I find comfort in knowing that my Heavenly Father has a plan for me, and that he will not give me more than I can handle with Him. I know that I cannot do this alone. And I know that He has blessed me with a husband who knows and loves me and wants a future with me, even if it is a hard one. I can do hard things because I have my Savior buoying me up when I can't stay afloat.



Writing is my way of sorting through my thoughts and feelings and I feel like I always end up on the Savior because once I have gotten all of my concerns and fears and thoughts out, it becomes so clear which way I need to turn, and that way is always to Him. I cannot imagine going through this life without the knowledge I have of a Savior who made it possible to progress, and a Loving Father in Heaven who strengthens me with His love when all seems dark.

Even though the unknown is terrifying right now, I accept that. I am not going to try and change it or change the way I feel. Instead, I just am going to give it time. Time to adjust to the loss. Time to grieve. Time to heal.

Life is full of Hard Things

This weekend has been a very draining one, physically, emotionally, and mentally.
I found out I was pregnant about 8 weeks ago and we were so excited. We knew it may not have been perfect timing, but what a blessing and worth every struggle. Because of insurance, I was waiting until I was 12 weeks to go and see a midwife to get an ultrasound and make sure everything was good. That appointment was set for 2 days from now.

Friday, May 30th, things changed. Remi and I were attending a session at the LDS Dallas Temple. I became very emotional while there and noted some spotting. I tried to not worry too much because I know that can be normal in pregnancy. None the less, I was worried. While in the temple, I felt the love of my Father in Heaven and was blessed with a feeling of peace, that no matter what happens, it will be okay.  Saturday, I woke up to a little more spotting. Still, not enough that I was worried. I tried to take it easy, and rest and things, but life moves on and I did go to the grocery store before resting for the afternoon. I was feeling a little sluggish Saturday night, but slept really well.
Sunday, June 1st, I woke up with Bright Red bleeding and some clots. My lower abdomen felt a little tight but I just figured I would give it a few hours to see what happened. We went to chuch at 11. Around 1130 I was ready to leave. I was very uncomfortable and feeling really worried. The cramping was becoming cyclical and I knew that something was wrong. Remi and his brother gave me a blessing for the sick and afflicted and I was again blessed with peace. We went home a short while later. Around 12:45 I was ready to go to the hospital. I was bleeding way above a normal level and with the cramping it just seemed like the best idea, and it was.
They took my blood and ordered a sonogram. I was in the bathroom about every 15 minutes and passing a lot of blood. We did the sonogram and there was no fetus there. The tech wanted to do an internal ultrasound and I asked to use the bathroom again before they did. In the bathroom, I ended up getting very dizzy and lightheaded and luckily pulled the help cord before passing out. Everything after that was pretty up and down. They got me on an IV and got me to calm down (my hands started tingling and cramping, then my feet and tongue from hyperventilating) eventually. The thing that helped the most was having Remi there. As soon as he held on to my leg and hand I was able to start slowing my breathing. Well after about 20 minutes I needed to pass some more fluid. So they brought in a potty chair and once again, I passed out. This time in Remi's arms though.. After this, I was pretty scared. I was not in good shape. They called in an OBGYN and he got there about 20 minutes later. They did some exams and we decided that the best idea was surgery to finish removing all the tissue and stuff from my uterus that was causing me to bleed so heavy. So 30 minutes later I was wisked away in to surgery and woke up feeling so much better. Dr. Stevens was so gentle and I am doing so much better now.
It is a crushing thing to have a miscarriage. Especially your first pregnancy. It creates a lot angst for the future, because this has been a very hard weekend. I am so grateful for our loving families that have been here for us this weekend and especially grateful for all the prayers on our behalf. This is another one of those situations where you dont really know what the right thing to say is, but right now we just need your prayers, love, and support. We look forward to our future together and will draw upon this experience often, I am sure. I am so grateful for a God who has comforted me and blessed me with peace in such a trying time. I am so grateful that my best friend and loving husband was by my side the whole way to hold my hand, wipe my tears, and assure me that everything would be okay. He has been so amazing through all of this and I am so grateful I have in my life to support and love me every day. Life may be full of hard things, but with God, all things are made right.

Sharing the Love of Christ with Others

It shouldnt be hard, right? Telling somebody you care about that there is a God who knows them personally, and loves them, and is waiting with open arms to accept them. A lot of times, when I struggle, this knowledge keeps me going.
Remi has been such an amazing example of not being afraid to talk to people about his beliefs and religion. Back in December, he started a deep conversation with a friend (in the hottub of course!) and this conversation ended up changing his friend's life. Over the next few months, the three of us met with missionaries from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Every lesson we participated in helped my faith and conviction grow. I think what makes me nervous about talking about our beliefs as members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is that we have a lot of responsibility on our shoulders. God has asked a lot of his followers, and that is intimidating sometimes. As I sit here thinking about typing out my feelings, I keep getting the impression that this is an area that I can do better on. Watching somebody accept the Gospel of Jesus Christ so easily and see how positively it has affected his life has been the perfect little kick in the booty that I needed! Sharing is Caring yall. When you have something that makes you better, why not talk about it?? You never know who is listening or who is ready to hear. God helps us hear what we need to hear through the words of his children (that's us!). We are all God's children and he loves each and every one of us. He KNOWS us. He knows what your struggles are and what your strengths are. He wants to help you become like him, and even though that path is uphill and will be hard, He will be there every step of the way, guiding you and directing you. Because He loves you. More than you can know.

Back to Zach, Remi's friend. He made the decision to be baptized pretty early on in his lessons. The Holy Ghost (Holy Spirit) testified to all of us of the truthfullness of the words, messages, and commandments that were being shared. He asked Remi to baptize him and I know that this event will forever bond these two men.

Love these Goofballs

Elder Webb, Elder Sherwood, Zach, Bethany, Remi, and Elder Tryon

Zach and his Family

Nothing compares to the absolute JOY that comes from watching and being a part of someone giving themselves to Christ: To Promise to follow all of his commandments, to help those in need, to do everything they can to be like Him. We are all Children of a Heavenly Father who Loves each and every one of us. 

We were in church a few weeks ago and we were talking about blessings and obedience. Sister Lewis said that she had looked up what the websters definition of Blessed was and it is "to be made holy". My understanding of Holy is to become more like God. This completely changed the way I look at blessings. Elder Uchdorf or the Quorum of the twelve apostles, gave a talk in the April General Conference 2014 about being grateful in every circumstance (found at https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2014/04/grateful-in-any-circumstances?lang=eng&query= ). In this talk he tells us to just be grateful, not because of what we have been given, but because being grateful will make us happy. When we acknowledge that God is the reason that we are alive every single day, no matter how hard each day may be, we are alive and have a God who loves us, and we really do have so much to be grateful for. I looked up blessing and the definition read "God's favor and protection". I truly believe that Obedience brings Blessings. Obeying God will bring us closer to Him, it will bring us in favor with Him, and he will Protect us. He wants us to be safe and He wants us to be close to Him. 

I am so grateful for the reminders to be better and do better and I hope that I can do a better job of opening my mouth and sharing my beliefs with others. The things we hold most dear to us are the very things that can bless (bring closer to God) the lives of others. We can all be God's hands if we will prepare and listen. 

First comes Love, Then comes Marriage

So as silly as my reason for not blogging was, it has still prevented me from blogging about our wedding for 6 months!
And that silly reason was the fact that I didn't have wedding pictures at my finger tips to add to this post!

Remi and I started dating in July of 2013 and spent as much time together as we could!
We knew pretty quick thereafter that we were going to get married. We looked forward to not having to say goodnight and start our lives together. We talked about when to get married and for a while we talked about spring of 2014 and then it was winter 2013 and then at the beginning of October, we were talking one night, and got to a point where we were like, "what are we waiting for?" "Why not just get married now?"
And that weekend, We got married! We talked to Remi's bishop and met with him, and he agreed to perform the ceremony on Saturday.

A quick, small ceremony was all we wanted. It gave me anxiety just thinking about planning a wedding and picking a dress and all that wedding stuff. And we didn't want to make a big fuss. We had both been through it before, and we just didn't need it. We just needed each other.

We went shopping the day before to find a sweet little white dress for me and a new suit for him. My mother-in-law picked out some shoes for me and it all came together! We ordered matching bands and that was just enough <3

We chose not to tell people before hand. And I apologize for any feelings that were hurt. It was a a little bit selfish for us to keep it together, but some people were vocal about the disapproval of our relationship and we didn't want anything to taint the day for us. We told our family that was in the area as well as his parents because they wanted to come down from Florida to be here to support us. They were the most supportive of everyone and it was a huge blessing to have them here. It was a small group and we had the ceremony and then we went out with our parents and little brothers to Olive Garden. And then we went to my parents house where we would be living for a while.

It was a happy day and such a blessing to finally be married to my best friend.

Stay tuned for more updates about the Budge's!

Time flies when you're having Fun

Has it has really been one month since I last posted? Shame on me for waiting that long!
I sat down a few times in the last month and started a post, and then never finished, and my random sentences here and there are of little value.

Once again, I find myself wide awake while most of you are sleeping, and there are a few things that contribute to that.
Yesterday, I spent 19 hours in a car driving from Florida to Texas with my beau. Now, I really am not big on road trips because I was raised to travel on airplanes (thanks dad!), but this trip was especially uncomfortable because the day before, we did back and chest p90x as well as ab ripper x.



That was not the smartest thing I've ever done.
My hip flexors, chest, and abs are all completely sore. DYING was used to describe my predicament on more than one occasion. But that is an exaggeration so don't worry too much (;
Also, not being busy, I tend to just veg a lot.... Its pretty bad. I need better hobbies.
But tomorrow is a new day, and I can try and expend a little more energy tomorrow so that I can sleep sooner.

SOOO with that: 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I feel the need to share my thoughts on engagement and marriage.
I read a very interesting article the other day about engagements, and how it seems more and more that couples are more excited about getting engaged than being engaged. ( you can read the article here --> http://convergemagazine.com/engaged-8944/ ) Having gone through this process, I 100% agree with this article. It is sad to think that we, as young adults, are so focused on what others think, and what they are going to think, and how they view us, that we let go of the whole essence of marriage and commitment.
Life should not be a "to-do list". You will never find happiness through a life built on check lists.



What really brings us joy? "Men are that they might have joy".... So where does that come from?
I believe it comes from surrounding yourself with things that make you happy, people who make you laugh, and allowing memories to be made. I think a lot of times we get in the way of our own happiness by giving in to the notion that your life needs to fit in to this box of "normalcy"  (insert shudder here). Forget normal. Let's get happy!



I have found my happy. And time is flying by because of it! It is weird to think that this chapter of life is so new because it is so right and so happy and so comfortable. Nothing about being in love with my best friend scares me. Not a single thing.

It is hard for me just be open about it sometimes because I know that it looks REALLY fast to anyone who didn't know us in high school. But why delay what I know to be right and good? Why should we have to date for a year and be engaged forever before we get married?
When we talk to our moms and other moms about our relationship, we always end up getting the same words... Ultimately it is up to the two of you your Father in Heaven.

I love that advice, because every time I hear it, it rings so true to my soul.
Love is personal. Love is shared. Love is given. Love is built. Love is tested. and Love unites.

Sometimes it feels like there is no way that I can just pick up and move forward, because for so long I was weighed down with negativity, depression, and this need for perfectionism, and a part of me anticipates that life will just be a struggle if I pick up and move forward. But I know that this is not the case any more.

I have moved out of that dark time and in to the light. I have made progress that has changed me.
Don't hold yourself back. You have so much potential and so much to offer the world.
The world doesn't need more of anyone else, it just needs you.




So major side track there from where I was planning on taking this, but I hope if you needed to hear that message that you will take it to heart.

...Back to Marriage

I have a very different view on marriage having gone through divorce.
I look a little closer and a listen a little more.
I am not so quick to judge others and I give encouragement where I can.

Before I got married at age 18, marriage was the answer. It was going to solve all my problems. If I could just get married to a good man, who was spiritual and a straight arrow, I would be able to create this perfect life. Literally, I thought I could have the perfect life. So I went through my mental check list and he seemed to fit everything just nicely. After dating for a few weeks we were in love and discussing whether we should pursue this to marriage or not and we didnt see a reason not to, so 3 short months later, we were engaged. I knew the night we got engaged that something wasnt right. I didnt feel giddy. I didnt feel excited to tell my friends and family. And I was especially not excited to tell my best friend, and when I did, it crushed him. And I knew it would. Especially since 4 months earlier he tried to mend some of the fences between us. But, because I had a list, I moved forward. Now don't get me wrong, I wasn't always uneasy. It's hard to look back and say that I was in love, because it was so new and we really didnt know each other. I think more than anything I was in love with this idea that he was going to be able to give me the perfect life I always dreamed of. Marriage was going to save me from myself. It was going to put me in control of my life. I would have someone there to encourage me and help me read my scriptures every day. It was going to be idyllic.

Marriage, now, has a completely different meaning to me.
Marriage is a commitment to your best friend
Marriage is a commitment to God to love your best friend forever.
Through the hard times and the joyous times.
Marriage has a purpose, and that purpose is to unite together to build a family.
I look forward to a marriage full of laughter, love, loving, loving on, being loved, making love, giving love, sharing hopes, dreams, fears, and jokes, and a marriage where I am never put down or made to feel a lesser being for any reason.
Service is a fundamental component of a strong foundation. It allows you to put someone before yourself, and when you do that willingly, your life will be filled with joy.

Nothing makes me happier than when I am sitting next to my best friend, holding hands, my head on his shoulder, and he kisses my head.

That is my perfect. 
I promised Remi that no matter how frustrated, or angry, or bad a day was, that I would always stand by his side. No matter how high emotions run, or how draining a day may have been, I will always be there. And I told him that I will be okay and be able to deal with emotional days as long as at the end of the day, he holds me close and tells me he loves me. And he promised to do his best. And that is all you can ask of someone.

He gives his best. I give my best. And we forgive when we fall short.
I dare you to love a little more, and forgive a little faster.

When something happens that just gets you going, I challenge you to stop and really think about it for a minute. Did they really mean to hurt you? Is that like them? Am I overreacting to an unintentional wrong-doing?

Respond a little slower. Love a little more. And trust your instincts.

We are all human. We are all imperfect. And we are all doing our best.