The Haunting Unknown

This past week has been a very challenging one. It is extremely difficult to stay positive and not let life get overwhelming.

Remi has known me so long and he knows me so well, and there is this thing he has discovered.

Its the rule of three.
In short, if there are more than two things going on at one time, I get extremely grumpy extraordinarily fast. For example: If I am hungry, and tired, AND cold.. I am a monster. If I am only tired and hungry though, I am tolerable. If I am tired and Upset, I get over it quickly, but if I have a headache.... it is better to just wait it out.

These last 2 months, I was tired and uncomfortable most days, so if anything else was going on, I was lazy and grumpy. And my office leader was a real challenge for me. I felt like I had the world against me. And because I was working, I didn't get to take naps, and that was sad. On days I napped, I felt so much better. Remi put up with a lot these past two months. Most days, I would wake up late, rush to work, come home for lunch exhausted, go back to work, come home from work, and one of two things would happen: I would get something done, whether it be make dinner, put away laundry, start laundry, unload the dishwasher, etc. and then sit down on the couch and lay there until bed time. or I would come home, take off my shoes, and lay down on the couch and watch Netflix or a Movie. At which point I would 100% fall asleep on the couch until Remi woke me up to go to bed. This is literally sums up 95% of my weekdays. I was a tired girl. ALL the time.

This week, I have been tired for different reasons. I am severely anemic right now and that is making my life challenging. I have to move a lot slower, take my time getting up, catch my breath after going up stairs, and sit down often, all of which are very foreign to me. I am a go go go person and I hate feeling lazy. I feel worthless when I don't feel well because I am not getting things done that I would normally do. So anemia. Yay. Hopefully the Iron supplements and chlorphyll suplements will help. And also red meat as often as I can... which is like twice a week haha. Im not huge on red meat.
 
On top of the anemia, I am really sad. Most days, I cry at least twice. Grieving is hard. And exhausting. But it has to be done. I wish it was easy to explain the emptiness that I feel. I miss so much about being pregnant. And everything reminds me of it. Almost anything can set me off, and that is hard. I don't always know how to explain it to Remi, and I don't know if it can be explained. I want so badly to be able to explain why wearing anything but yoga pants and t-shirts makes me almost depressed because my body was changing, and my clothes all started fitting different, and now its back to where I was pre-pregnancy. That makes me sad. There is a very real void in me right now that I am struggling to know what to do with. What can fill the space that was my whole future changing for this little person I thought we were bringing in to the world? Not much at this point. I felt that I was finally being given the opportunity to fulfill my calling in this world, to be a mother. My purpose felt so clear. And now, that is being delayed because we have much to recover from emotionally, mentally, and physically.

I can't speak for my husband, but I do know that this has been crushing to him. I can't even imagine the images that he sees when he closes his eyes, and relives me passing out over and over again. The future feels very daunting and shaky. And it is very easy to feel the pressure of "what if". What if this happened because of something I did. What if this happens again? What if it's my fault? What if we can't have kids? What if... What if... What if...
It is never ending.
And most of them are probably unrealistic and improbable.
But they are still very real thoughts and right now feel validated.
There is something terrifying about the unknown.

Right now it takes all my energy and courage to stay positive. But I have to let myself be sad and grieve the loss of what might have been, and what will not be.

I find comfort in knowing that my Heavenly Father has a plan for me, and that he will not give me more than I can handle with Him. I know that I cannot do this alone. And I know that He has blessed me with a husband who knows and loves me and wants a future with me, even if it is a hard one. I can do hard things because I have my Savior buoying me up when I can't stay afloat.



Writing is my way of sorting through my thoughts and feelings and I feel like I always end up on the Savior because once I have gotten all of my concerns and fears and thoughts out, it becomes so clear which way I need to turn, and that way is always to Him. I cannot imagine going through this life without the knowledge I have of a Savior who made it possible to progress, and a Loving Father in Heaven who strengthens me with His love when all seems dark.

Even though the unknown is terrifying right now, I accept that. I am not going to try and change it or change the way I feel. Instead, I just am going to give it time. Time to adjust to the loss. Time to grieve. Time to heal.

God is good. Life is good. Love is good.

I have had a hard time knowing where to start my next post, and I am not exactly sure where this is going yet, but there are a few things that I have been wanting to share the last few weeks.

First, an update. I am officially back in Texas and I couldn't be happier about that. Also, I have great parents who have been a tremendous support to me as I made my way half way across the country (my car is kind of a clunker!) and they deserve a huge Thank You! And most importantly (drum roll not necessary... ) I celebrated my 22nd birthday 2 weeks ago! Nothing too fancy considering I had to take my clinical test and then start driving (passenger seat thanks to my sweet man) to Texas. But all in all, I felt the love from the people that matter most and am beyond grateful to have a new year ahead of me. It is going to be a great one, of that I am sure!

Now on to the meaty stuff (:

Learning lessons. This is something that I feel like I have always been blessed to be able to do. When I go through any experience, I want to learn something. It might be that I really like something, or that I dislike something. But when it comes to big events, like depression and divorce, sometimes it is harder to find the lesson.

My last post covered the biggest ones I think, but there are some smaller ones that are important also, that I would love to share. 

Family

These are the people that God wanted us to get to know more than anyone else, for one reason or another. Parents and siblings may have to love us, but I think most of the time, they would choose to love us anyway. Maintaining relationships with siblings seems to get more and more difficult as you get older. I come from a family of six children, five of which are boys. My four older brothers are located in various states across the USA and I don't talk to them nearly as much as I would like to. My younger brother and I have always been pretty close, but even then, I didn't really talk to him except when I would visit Texas and he was around.

When I finally was able to talk to my brothers about what was going on with me, I think they felt a lot of sadness. You don't like seeing the ones you love hurting, and I hid my sadness from them, and for me to not trust them with my feelings... I just know that it stung. 

I remember very vividly sitting outside of a movie theatre talking to one of my brothers, and just feeling so overcome with relief and overwhelmed by the emotions that came with sharing what I was going through. Hearing him express how sorry he was that he didn't know, and that I didn't feel like I could come to him brought me to tears. I needed so badly to hear that my family loved me, and he gave that to me. In that moment, I promised him that we would talk more and that I would not go through hard things alone any more. 

I hope that I can create stronger bonds with each of my siblings. Phone calls seem to have gone obsolete the last few years, but I think they can really make a difference. Texting and facebook are only words, and words are easily taken as the reader wants to take them. You only have so much control over what they understand or take from your words.

I love my family. I want them to know that I love them. And I hope that no one in my family ever feels like they need to go through hard things (or great things) alone. We are sent here to be a part of a family, and then to create families of our own, and what a blessing family can be, if only we will let it.

Honesty

I feel like hitting this one again because it is just that important. Honesty comes from within, and there are two sides to the honesty coin, if you will. Being honest with and to yourself, and being honest with and to others, including the Lord. 

When there is something going on in your life, the very worst question someone can ask you is "How are you?" This question is just begging people to lie to you. Because our automatic response is to say "I'm fine" or "I'm doing well, how about you?" and on any given day, how often are you really just fine? Stressed, busy, tired, really bad, frazzled, angry, frustrated, productive, etc. seem to come to my mind more often then fine. Sometimes, this question can open a conversation, but really, I think there are better questions that can be asked of others. SO I challenge you to find a different question to ask. Don't let that question be something you do out of formality and habit. If you really want to know how somebody is doing, then really take the time to find out. 

I remember being asked this on so many occasions and every single time, I lied. Because lying was easier than letting the flood gates open. And because I started with this little lie, I continued to lie to keep up appearances. Lying is so dangerous. It is so destructive, and it is so bad for the soul. 

" 'A lie is any communication given to another with the intent to deceive.’ A lie can be effectively communicated without words ever being spoken. Sometimes a nod of the head or silence can deceive” (1.)

Rémi and I have this honesty policy. 1. We are not allowed to bring something up and then not divulge. If you are going to bring it up, then you are going to talk about it. (and let me tell you, this one has often bitten me in the butt!) 2. We are completely honest with each other. This allows us to communicate very openly. One of the things that I struggle with, is when I am dealing with conflict or a problem, I like to think my way through the whole thing before I share. I like to completely develop my opinion and strategy before I present it to anyone. Well, this leaves for a lot of silence on my end, and that can be very frustrating for others. So. When he asks, or when anyone asks, I now can say, "I'm still thinking. I am not ready to talk about it yet, but I will let you know when I am." or something along those lines. I don't think it is healthy to just spew out everything you are thinking, but keeping those you love in the loop, even if that loop is "I'm not ready yet", is so beneficial. Honesty is a really great place to start when you are trying to develop trust, and even more important in maintaining trust.

Take Action
We have all heard the saying "actions speak louder than words" and I am hear to reaffirm the validity of this statement. In relationships this is especially important. Something that I am having to get used to is that Rémi was raised by amazing parents who taught him to respect women in a way that is very much forgotten these days. Well that part I knew already, but I am NOT allowed to open doors if he is there to do it for me. And I love this. I love that I get in trouble and get his stink eye when I forget and accidentally open my own door when getting in or out of the car. I love that he wants me to feel special every single day and that he shows me and doesn't just tell me. He will always take the broom from me or take over dishes. And I could really keep going on and on with a list of things he does to show his love. He is truly wonderful.
I find that taking action often leads to opportunities to serve, and serving is one of the greatest things that we can do in this life. Giving service is like the healing balm to sorrow. The scriptures are constantly providing examples of service and showing us the blessings that come from service. Putting others before yourself is a sure way to express love in any given situation.
Which brings me to having a healthy relationship.
The way a healthy relationship works is that two people decide to put the other person's needs above their own. Both parties must give 100% all the time, so that when (not if, but when) someone falls short, you are not left with a gap in the relationship. You cannot meet in the middle. You must encompass the other with love and support completely. I always think of two lines.
_____________________________~_____________________________
These two lines meet in the middle. And when both are working to meet in the middle, then they make a complete line that is sufficient.
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These two lines have each others backs. They are there for each other, anticipating the other's needs, and are going to have a much greater chance at a successful relationship.

Make you significant other a priority. Put them second to none other than God. Let your relationship thrive in service and love, and the hard times won't seem so unbearable. SHOW them you love them every single day. Find their love language, and speak it. And if you don't know, then figure it out (2.)

I believe that people are most important. Remember your family. Be Honest. Show people that you love them. And show strangers that you see them, acknowledge them, and are not afraid of them. Don't be the awkward floor watcher. Give a smile, a nod, a wave. Surprise someone with an action. Put someone above yourself. And watch your happiness increase.

Love makes the world go round, but we must show it every day.

1. http://www.lds.org/manual/preparing-for-exaltation-teachers-manual/lesson-37-honest-in-all-things?lang=eng&query=2012+honest2. http://www.5lovelanguages.com/

Moving forward

Some might think that because I've gone through a divorce that marriage would seem scary, intimidating, or the last thing in my mind. Common advice I have been receiving is to just enjoy being single, take my time, wait a few years, just do me, and other things along those line. I get it. I get why this is people's advice to me. People do not want to see me get hurt again. People are afraid and want me to be cautious.

But who says I am not being cautious?

I have done a lot of soul searching through this whole thing. I look back on my 18 year old self and see someone who had some very skewed perceptions on marriage and what it is. I see a girl who wanted so badly to be grown up, to be in control of her life, who had herself and others convinced that she knew exactly what would make her happy. I see someone who was desperate for something secure and safe. I see someone who talked herself in and out of a lot of things based on what others perceived or may have perceived. And if I could go back and talk to that girl, do you know what I would say?
Trust yourself.
Don't worry so much about what people think, because in the end that doesn't really matter.
And let go, especially of the perfectionism.

Now, why those three things? Let me let you in to my head for a minute...

1. Trust yourself.
I knew in my gut that getting married was not the right thing at the time I got married. But I had said yes and I was so scared about what he would say, what my family would say, etc. if I were to be honest with those feelings. And on paper there was nothing wrong with us. Why shouldn't we get married? Marriage is good, right?
Well yes. With the right person it is good, in fact it can be more than good, it can be wonderful. I know this because I have seen it. I am under no illusion that marriage is rainbows and butterflies, but when you get two people who love each other and respect each other and put each other first, you can see and feel love radiating off these people, especially when they are around or talking about there significant other. Their happiness is inspiring. Hard times are not so hard when you are facing them with your best friend and companion.
So I would say, trust yourself. Because deep down I knew I was marrying the wrong person. I knew that I was not marrying my best friend... and you should marry your best friend. We all carry the answers inside of us, sometimes we just need to have the courage to look and find them.
This leads right in to number two.

2. Don't worry about what other people think so much.
Worrying about what people think of me is something I really struggle with. As a teenager I wanted so badly to be perfect. I wanted everyone else to be happy that it didn't matter what I needed, I put myself on a shelf. Always. One of the big reasons I was afraid to talk to people about what I was going through was because I was afraid of what people would think. What kind of person doesn't miss their spouse when they're gone? What kind of person was I for being unhappy in a marriage with no major problems? I just knew I was going to be judged for the way I felt that it was just easier to pretend like everything was just peachy. I literally had people tell me that we were the perfect couple, and in my head I'm like, "if only you knew how perfect we are not." "If only you knew how much hurt and guilt I am hiding".
Constantly worrying about what people would think led me to keep every ounce of hurt and guilt and sadness bottled up which was so damaging.
What kind of life is lying all the time? I have truly grown to hate lying. Even little white lies. They are so pointless. We need to stop trying to protect people from our feelings. This doesn't mean be tactless, but it does mean being honest. If you aren't wanting to talk about something, just say that. If it drives you crazy that your spouse does something, don't bottle that up, just talk to them. They love you and I guarantee they don't mean to be driving you crazy! A simple conversation could resolve it all.
If you need something, especially something emotional, tell someone. If you need space, if you need a hug, if you need more or less of anything, you should not be afraid of asking for it. Your needs matter and so do your significant other's. Be open to asking and open to receiving, and you can work together to meet each others' needs.

I am at a point with myself that I don't need anyone's permission to be happy.
I get that people won't get it, but they can ask and I will try to explain why and how I am moving forward as fast as I am. I have never loved and respected my life and self more than I do right now, and not in a conceited way. I am just very sure of who I am and what I want out of my life. I hope that people will come to see that, but even if they don't, I can't let that stop my progression.

3. I am a perfectionist. I admit it. I have accepted it. And I do not let it control my life anymore.

I have learned how to let go of this and other things through the help of a wonderful therapist, a loving God, and an amazingly insightful best friend. I was always a little but anal when it came to certain things like organization and my appearance. I hate leaving the house without makeup. My toe nails are always painted. I color code everything. I really try to be perfect in relationships and it really affects my self esteem when I'm not. I have high standards for what is acceptable for anything. And most of all I just really wanted people to think I was perfect. And how dumb is that? Because no one is perfect and that kind of thinking will make anyone Miserable. I hated myself for some time because of this thinking.
Dealing with some of these things is allowing me to move forward. I hope that if any of these things are problems for you that you will do a serious evaluation of your self and find where it is coming from. Finding the root of it allows you to change the way you think.
I have spent the last 10 months figuring out how to be happy with myself, and I feel like a polished version of who I was before the depression.
I learned to love myself when I learned how much God loves me. God works through people and he answers prayers through people and I am so grateful for the people in my life, especially my best friend.
I am so ready to move forward in my life. I know who I am. I know that God has a plan for me. I know that you may not agree with what God has planned for me, but that is okay. I know that we are meant to have joy in this life. And I know what and who brings joy into my life.
I don't need to spend years exploring my self and the world and my options in it because I know what I want. It's what I've always wanted.
And that is a family of my own. I want to be a wife and a mother. Above all else, that is my goal.

 
I have learned so many lessons from my marriage and I told you before that I promised I would learn from my past, and I have and will continue to. But we will save those lessons for the next blog post.
I guess this was a really long way to say that even though I am divorced, my goal of having a family has not changed. I have always wanted to be a mom, and in my marriage I lost that desire. But this desire has been renewed in me and I look forward to the day when my life is at a point that I can start that chapter of life. I am 100% ready to be moving forward and as I start to, I find happiness at every turn. What more could I ask for?

21 and Divorced

No one likes divorce. It is hard to talk about and it is even harder to go through, but we all know someone who has gone through it. Most of the time people just avoid talking about it, and I don't blame them. I mean, do you say I'm sorry, or congrats? Well it depends on the person. It's a very confusing subject and it is very personal and it is sad that it is such a common thing in our world today.
I'm not really sure where this is going, but I really feel like I want to share some of what I've been through and where I am at now. I don't mean to offend anyone or make light of the magnitude of divorce, but I would like to speak candidly about me.

I am in a really good place right now, and I'm not just saying that. I have worked really hard to get to where I am today. I know that I was very private through all of this, and I realize now that that may not have been the best way to deal with everything that is going on, but I didn't know how to talk about it. Because I was very private through all of this, I know that people may be surprised by 1. that I am divorced, 2. that I am not a hot mess, and 3. that I am ready to move on in life. That is a lot to accept. I get that. I know that it has been really hard for some of my family to accept, and a lot of that has to do with the fact that I never talked about how much I was hurting in my marriage, so when it came to an end, "I had not tried" in the eyes of others. If I could go back, I would have opened up to more people, but the fact remains that I suffered through this on my own, with only my Savior there to guide me. I have a great family, but they are split pretty much in half about supporting my decision to get a divorce. I say are because I know that there are still some of them who are struggling to accept my decision.
If there is one thing I could say to them though, it would be that I am happy now. I want everyone to know that I feel a huge weight lifted off my shoulders and I feel like myself again. I am happy and I haven't been able to say that honestly for a few years.
I was literally living a lie. I put on a front for the world to see because I didn't know how to talk to people. I didn't trust that anyone would understand or try to listen, and I feared what other people would think if they knew that I was not nearly as strong as I appeared to be. So many days I wished somebody would just ask me how I was really doing. I wanted so badly for someone to see that I was hurting, and that I was hiding it. I felt so alone and scared and guilty that I was unhappy in my marriage, and so many days I just wanted to have someone there who could let me cry and talk about it... but that never happened.

Looking back, I know that I gave this my all, but when it comes down to the truth, I was married to the wrong person and no amount of trying was going to bring me the type of joy I know we can experience in this life. He is a good person who loves God and tried to be a good husband. I will not speak ill of him or tell you lies to get you to think I was in the right for getting a divorce, because that doesn't matter. We were not best friends, and that is such a critical piece of a strong relationship. I never felt like I could be myself with him nor did I ever miss him when he was gone, and these were really big struggles for me. So many nights, I begged and pleaded with the Lord to change my heart, to help me control my thoughts, to help me see him as He did so that I might be able to love him as a wife should love her husband, and I felt guilty every day that I was so unhappy with our relationship. He deserved to be with someone who wanted to be there, who appreciated him and loved him with everything she had, and I just knew I couldn't give that to him.

After 2 years of marriage, I became severely depressed. And I continued to hide it from the world the best I could. He knew that there were some things wrong, but I didn't know what to say to him and I didn't trust that he would be sensitive to what I was feeling. I avoided going home. I avoided people. I avoided food. I pretty much wanted to crawl in a hole and never come out, and a lot of days I just cried and cried and cried alone. I used books as an escape from reality, and would seriously read 2-3 books per week. I lost almost 20 lbs because I just couldn't eat. I felt sick all the time and contemplated a lot of things that I am so grateful I didn't do. After a few months of this all consuming depression, I reached my breaking point. I just couldn't pretend anymore. I felt like I was breaking. So I turned to the two people I knew would always love me. My mother and God.

This experience led me to therapy where I was able to talk and be completely honest with someone. I started on an antidepressant and this literally saved me. I was able to deal with my problems without the depression crushing everything. I came to learn a lot about myself through 6 months of therapy, and am so grateful for the people that have helped me through the last year. I am not an advocate for pills because I think they are heavily over-prescribed, but there are definitely situations where they are helpful and appropriate. I am grateful that I am in a place now where I no longer need medication, and where I am confident enough in my self, my values, my truths, and my opinions to be okay with my life.

So much of my past was driven by others. I did things for other people and their perception of me. I did not want to disappoint, I did not want to be viewed as immature, and my perfectionism took control of my life. If others viewed my life as perfect, maybe it would be.
This type of thinking literally stole all joy and happiness from me.

I am not the type of person to look back in life and regret decisions or play the what if game, because I would rather learn from my past. I have learned so much and even though I know people may be hesitant to trust my judgement and choices, I have confidence in my self. I have confidence in God's plan. And I have confidence that divorce has not ruined my life. There have been lessons learned, and I promise to never forget them.