Perfectionism

About 2 years ago in therapy, I worked on not letting perfectionism control my life. Over the last 2 years a lot has happened and I have found myself slipping back in to a lot of old habits.

Some of the top contenders include

-- comparing myself with this perfect version of myself
-- not praying daily
-- using media to escape reality
-- not being assertive

This last week has been extremely challenging for me. I felt like everything was working against me to drag me down, and I let these feelings of despair eat away at me. So many days, I was in bed just making lists of all the things I was failing at. I didn't make dinner. I didn't do the laundry. I didn't pray. and the list goes on. I felt alone and like I had failed.

I really try to stay positive. I try to not be overbearing and controlling. I try to tell myself to let it go.



It is time to get back to my roots. It is time to be true to myself. So I decided that I am going to embrace these things I view as flaws, and turn them in to strengths.

I am a control freak. But being a control freak means that when I am in charge, things will get done. And they will get done when I want them to get done.
I make lists. I am pretty sure this offends Remi sometimes, because I made him a list about a month ago, and I did not get happy vibes from that. But making lists means that I don't forget things. It means that I can prioritize and delegate.
I am self conscience (but aren't we all!). I know I am not fat or ugly, but I feel it sometimes. This is something that is hard to overcome alone, and I am so grateful for Remi because he helps me with this. He tells me how beautiful I am, how perfect my body is, and how I don't need to change to be beautiful. I truly thinks he sees me as most beautiful when my hair is pulled back and I have no makeup on. There is nothing wrong with being self conscience, but I think it would be better if I viewed it as opportunity to become stronger. Our Bodies are a gift from God and how amazing they truly are. I am going to try and focus all these feelings in to motivation to work out and become strong.
I don't pray every day. I hate that I don't. I know it is important. And I have been contemplating what is so hard about this for me, and I honestly have come to feel like I am afraid of what might be asked of me. Especially when it comes to starting a family. After my miscarriage, I thought a baby would fix the emptiness I felt, but after some time passed, I developed  a lot of fear. I think it is time to let that fear go and embrace whatever the Lord has in store for me, and us.
We had a lesson in church on Sunday about burdens and how the Lord will help us carry these because his Load is Easy and His Burden is Light. A sister made a comment that there was a point that she was really struggling with how much was being asked of her, and the answer she got was that Life is not meant to be easy. Life is meant to be hard. And we are going to be asked to do things we don't want to do and we are going to be asked to make sacrifices. This was hard for her to hear, and it struck me as well, because Life is not meant to be comfortable. Life is a time to be pushed to our Limits and to Grow and Become stronger and wiser. As much as I would love to just sit and watch all day long.... There is so much more I could do that would help me be better. So what about praying together as a couple at the close of the day? I need to not suppress the impressions that come to me to ask to say a prayer together before bed. When we do, I always feel closer to my husband and closer to the Lord. We are blessed when we pray. I just need to be better.
Reading Scriptures is another component of spiritual health that I am proud to say I am doing SO much better at! I started this group text with about 8 girls and we all share uplifting messages and scriptures and things, and this has been a huge motivator for me to read and share something daily. I am not diligent, but My Best Friend Angela is our ROCK. She is so consistent and motivates us all to read and share daily. Sometimes she is the only one to share in a day, but I am so grateful that she continues to share regardless. Love you Ang.

I like things a certain way, especially in my house. And I really dislike this house we are renting so I haven't felt like really decorating it and really figuring out a great organization system, but at our next house, it will happen.
I change my mind. This is probably the thing that drives Remi the most crazy. I don't feel like its bad to change your mind, it means I'm growing and evaluating and moving (right??). I try to not make promises I can't keep, but I'm not perfect, and I am grateful that Remi just goes along with my craziness.

I am not perfect. I don't always have the right answers or say the right things, and I need to be okay with that. I need to remember that when I am feeling like a failure, that the only thing I have failed to do is Remember who I am.



Growing up, the female role models in my life could do it all. My grandma is an excellent cook, her house is always clean, and she is crafty. My mom worked full time, attended every event she could, she cooked, baked, sewed, quilted, crafted, and the list goes on. I wanted to be like them. I wanted to do it all.
As I've grown up, I can see better that they had their priorities set and their actions reflected those priorities. If someone looked at your life for a week, what would they see? If they had to compile a list of your top 3 priorities, what would your actions say?

Looking at my life from this vantage point has allowed me to see that I have work to do. I can say things are a priority all day, but my actions will speak when the day is done.

God does not ask us to be perfect nor does he ask us to do it all. He asks us to be perfected in Him by becoming like Him. I know that the Atonement of Jesus Christ is the way to become whole or perfect, and my un-checked checklists do not affect my worth in the Eyes of God.

Time flies when you're having Fun

Has it has really been one month since I last posted? Shame on me for waiting that long!
I sat down a few times in the last month and started a post, and then never finished, and my random sentences here and there are of little value.

Once again, I find myself wide awake while most of you are sleeping, and there are a few things that contribute to that.
Yesterday, I spent 19 hours in a car driving from Florida to Texas with my beau. Now, I really am not big on road trips because I was raised to travel on airplanes (thanks dad!), but this trip was especially uncomfortable because the day before, we did back and chest p90x as well as ab ripper x.



That was not the smartest thing I've ever done.
My hip flexors, chest, and abs are all completely sore. DYING was used to describe my predicament on more than one occasion. But that is an exaggeration so don't worry too much (;
Also, not being busy, I tend to just veg a lot.... Its pretty bad. I need better hobbies.
But tomorrow is a new day, and I can try and expend a little more energy tomorrow so that I can sleep sooner.

SOOO with that: 

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I feel the need to share my thoughts on engagement and marriage.
I read a very interesting article the other day about engagements, and how it seems more and more that couples are more excited about getting engaged than being engaged. ( you can read the article here --> http://convergemagazine.com/engaged-8944/ ) Having gone through this process, I 100% agree with this article. It is sad to think that we, as young adults, are so focused on what others think, and what they are going to think, and how they view us, that we let go of the whole essence of marriage and commitment.
Life should not be a "to-do list". You will never find happiness through a life built on check lists.



What really brings us joy? "Men are that they might have joy".... So where does that come from?
I believe it comes from surrounding yourself with things that make you happy, people who make you laugh, and allowing memories to be made. I think a lot of times we get in the way of our own happiness by giving in to the notion that your life needs to fit in to this box of "normalcy"  (insert shudder here). Forget normal. Let's get happy!



I have found my happy. And time is flying by because of it! It is weird to think that this chapter of life is so new because it is so right and so happy and so comfortable. Nothing about being in love with my best friend scares me. Not a single thing.

It is hard for me just be open about it sometimes because I know that it looks REALLY fast to anyone who didn't know us in high school. But why delay what I know to be right and good? Why should we have to date for a year and be engaged forever before we get married?
When we talk to our moms and other moms about our relationship, we always end up getting the same words... Ultimately it is up to the two of you your Father in Heaven.

I love that advice, because every time I hear it, it rings so true to my soul.
Love is personal. Love is shared. Love is given. Love is built. Love is tested. and Love unites.

Sometimes it feels like there is no way that I can just pick up and move forward, because for so long I was weighed down with negativity, depression, and this need for perfectionism, and a part of me anticipates that life will just be a struggle if I pick up and move forward. But I know that this is not the case any more.

I have moved out of that dark time and in to the light. I have made progress that has changed me.
Don't hold yourself back. You have so much potential and so much to offer the world.
The world doesn't need more of anyone else, it just needs you.




So major side track there from where I was planning on taking this, but I hope if you needed to hear that message that you will take it to heart.

...Back to Marriage

I have a very different view on marriage having gone through divorce.
I look a little closer and a listen a little more.
I am not so quick to judge others and I give encouragement where I can.

Before I got married at age 18, marriage was the answer. It was going to solve all my problems. If I could just get married to a good man, who was spiritual and a straight arrow, I would be able to create this perfect life. Literally, I thought I could have the perfect life. So I went through my mental check list and he seemed to fit everything just nicely. After dating for a few weeks we were in love and discussing whether we should pursue this to marriage or not and we didnt see a reason not to, so 3 short months later, we were engaged. I knew the night we got engaged that something wasnt right. I didnt feel giddy. I didnt feel excited to tell my friends and family. And I was especially not excited to tell my best friend, and when I did, it crushed him. And I knew it would. Especially since 4 months earlier he tried to mend some of the fences between us. But, because I had a list, I moved forward. Now don't get me wrong, I wasn't always uneasy. It's hard to look back and say that I was in love, because it was so new and we really didnt know each other. I think more than anything I was in love with this idea that he was going to be able to give me the perfect life I always dreamed of. Marriage was going to save me from myself. It was going to put me in control of my life. I would have someone there to encourage me and help me read my scriptures every day. It was going to be idyllic.

Marriage, now, has a completely different meaning to me.
Marriage is a commitment to your best friend
Marriage is a commitment to God to love your best friend forever.
Through the hard times and the joyous times.
Marriage has a purpose, and that purpose is to unite together to build a family.
I look forward to a marriage full of laughter, love, loving, loving on, being loved, making love, giving love, sharing hopes, dreams, fears, and jokes, and a marriage where I am never put down or made to feel a lesser being for any reason.
Service is a fundamental component of a strong foundation. It allows you to put someone before yourself, and when you do that willingly, your life will be filled with joy.

Nothing makes me happier than when I am sitting next to my best friend, holding hands, my head on his shoulder, and he kisses my head.

That is my perfect. 
I promised Remi that no matter how frustrated, or angry, or bad a day was, that I would always stand by his side. No matter how high emotions run, or how draining a day may have been, I will always be there. And I told him that I will be okay and be able to deal with emotional days as long as at the end of the day, he holds me close and tells me he loves me. And he promised to do his best. And that is all you can ask of someone.

He gives his best. I give my best. And we forgive when we fall short.
I dare you to love a little more, and forgive a little faster.

When something happens that just gets you going, I challenge you to stop and really think about it for a minute. Did they really mean to hurt you? Is that like them? Am I overreacting to an unintentional wrong-doing?

Respond a little slower. Love a little more. And trust your instincts.

We are all human. We are all imperfect. And we are all doing our best.

God is good. Life is good. Love is good.

I have had a hard time knowing where to start my next post, and I am not exactly sure where this is going yet, but there are a few things that I have been wanting to share the last few weeks.

First, an update. I am officially back in Texas and I couldn't be happier about that. Also, I have great parents who have been a tremendous support to me as I made my way half way across the country (my car is kind of a clunker!) and they deserve a huge Thank You! And most importantly (drum roll not necessary... ) I celebrated my 22nd birthday 2 weeks ago! Nothing too fancy considering I had to take my clinical test and then start driving (passenger seat thanks to my sweet man) to Texas. But all in all, I felt the love from the people that matter most and am beyond grateful to have a new year ahead of me. It is going to be a great one, of that I am sure!

Now on to the meaty stuff (:

Learning lessons. This is something that I feel like I have always been blessed to be able to do. When I go through any experience, I want to learn something. It might be that I really like something, or that I dislike something. But when it comes to big events, like depression and divorce, sometimes it is harder to find the lesson.

My last post covered the biggest ones I think, but there are some smaller ones that are important also, that I would love to share. 

Family

These are the people that God wanted us to get to know more than anyone else, for one reason or another. Parents and siblings may have to love us, but I think most of the time, they would choose to love us anyway. Maintaining relationships with siblings seems to get more and more difficult as you get older. I come from a family of six children, five of which are boys. My four older brothers are located in various states across the USA and I don't talk to them nearly as much as I would like to. My younger brother and I have always been pretty close, but even then, I didn't really talk to him except when I would visit Texas and he was around.

When I finally was able to talk to my brothers about what was going on with me, I think they felt a lot of sadness. You don't like seeing the ones you love hurting, and I hid my sadness from them, and for me to not trust them with my feelings... I just know that it stung. 

I remember very vividly sitting outside of a movie theatre talking to one of my brothers, and just feeling so overcome with relief and overwhelmed by the emotions that came with sharing what I was going through. Hearing him express how sorry he was that he didn't know, and that I didn't feel like I could come to him brought me to tears. I needed so badly to hear that my family loved me, and he gave that to me. In that moment, I promised him that we would talk more and that I would not go through hard things alone any more. 

I hope that I can create stronger bonds with each of my siblings. Phone calls seem to have gone obsolete the last few years, but I think they can really make a difference. Texting and facebook are only words, and words are easily taken as the reader wants to take them. You only have so much control over what they understand or take from your words.

I love my family. I want them to know that I love them. And I hope that no one in my family ever feels like they need to go through hard things (or great things) alone. We are sent here to be a part of a family, and then to create families of our own, and what a blessing family can be, if only we will let it.

Honesty

I feel like hitting this one again because it is just that important. Honesty comes from within, and there are two sides to the honesty coin, if you will. Being honest with and to yourself, and being honest with and to others, including the Lord. 

When there is something going on in your life, the very worst question someone can ask you is "How are you?" This question is just begging people to lie to you. Because our automatic response is to say "I'm fine" or "I'm doing well, how about you?" and on any given day, how often are you really just fine? Stressed, busy, tired, really bad, frazzled, angry, frustrated, productive, etc. seem to come to my mind more often then fine. Sometimes, this question can open a conversation, but really, I think there are better questions that can be asked of others. SO I challenge you to find a different question to ask. Don't let that question be something you do out of formality and habit. If you really want to know how somebody is doing, then really take the time to find out. 

I remember being asked this on so many occasions and every single time, I lied. Because lying was easier than letting the flood gates open. And because I started with this little lie, I continued to lie to keep up appearances. Lying is so dangerous. It is so destructive, and it is so bad for the soul. 

" 'A lie is any communication given to another with the intent to deceive.’ A lie can be effectively communicated without words ever being spoken. Sometimes a nod of the head or silence can deceive” (1.)

Rémi and I have this honesty policy. 1. We are not allowed to bring something up and then not divulge. If you are going to bring it up, then you are going to talk about it. (and let me tell you, this one has often bitten me in the butt!) 2. We are completely honest with each other. This allows us to communicate very openly. One of the things that I struggle with, is when I am dealing with conflict or a problem, I like to think my way through the whole thing before I share. I like to completely develop my opinion and strategy before I present it to anyone. Well, this leaves for a lot of silence on my end, and that can be very frustrating for others. So. When he asks, or when anyone asks, I now can say, "I'm still thinking. I am not ready to talk about it yet, but I will let you know when I am." or something along those lines. I don't think it is healthy to just spew out everything you are thinking, but keeping those you love in the loop, even if that loop is "I'm not ready yet", is so beneficial. Honesty is a really great place to start when you are trying to develop trust, and even more important in maintaining trust.

Take Action
We have all heard the saying "actions speak louder than words" and I am hear to reaffirm the validity of this statement. In relationships this is especially important. Something that I am having to get used to is that Rémi was raised by amazing parents who taught him to respect women in a way that is very much forgotten these days. Well that part I knew already, but I am NOT allowed to open doors if he is there to do it for me. And I love this. I love that I get in trouble and get his stink eye when I forget and accidentally open my own door when getting in or out of the car. I love that he wants me to feel special every single day and that he shows me and doesn't just tell me. He will always take the broom from me or take over dishes. And I could really keep going on and on with a list of things he does to show his love. He is truly wonderful.
I find that taking action often leads to opportunities to serve, and serving is one of the greatest things that we can do in this life. Giving service is like the healing balm to sorrow. The scriptures are constantly providing examples of service and showing us the blessings that come from service. Putting others before yourself is a sure way to express love in any given situation.
Which brings me to having a healthy relationship.
The way a healthy relationship works is that two people decide to put the other person's needs above their own. Both parties must give 100% all the time, so that when (not if, but when) someone falls short, you are not left with a gap in the relationship. You cannot meet in the middle. You must encompass the other with love and support completely. I always think of two lines.
_____________________________~_____________________________
These two lines meet in the middle. And when both are working to meet in the middle, then they make a complete line that is sufficient.
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These two lines have each others backs. They are there for each other, anticipating the other's needs, and are going to have a much greater chance at a successful relationship.

Make you significant other a priority. Put them second to none other than God. Let your relationship thrive in service and love, and the hard times won't seem so unbearable. SHOW them you love them every single day. Find their love language, and speak it. And if you don't know, then figure it out (2.)

I believe that people are most important. Remember your family. Be Honest. Show people that you love them. And show strangers that you see them, acknowledge them, and are not afraid of them. Don't be the awkward floor watcher. Give a smile, a nod, a wave. Surprise someone with an action. Put someone above yourself. And watch your happiness increase.

Love makes the world go round, but we must show it every day.

1. http://www.lds.org/manual/preparing-for-exaltation-teachers-manual/lesson-37-honest-in-all-things?lang=eng&query=2012+honest2. http://www.5lovelanguages.com/